Hi, everyone! After reading a few recent comments on my discussions in one of my favorite groups "Sing a song", after reading some discussions over and listening to the great music, I can't get rid of the idea to bring this group back to life. 

I am really very sorry that our friend Modaway decided to leave EC but the group he created was one of the best. Music is to unite people. It is such a powerful weapon that guns can rest in holsters. Music is not aware of national differences, borders, policy. It has always been and will always be the best way of expressing our feelings, hopes and sorrows and much more.

So, the group is still available and I just want to ask if you are interested. My wife and I, as well as many others, are quite knowlegeable in music, both classic and modern. Personally I have a lot to share and am always glad to learn more.

So, what do you think about this idea?

Here is the link to the group for those who don't know it

https://my.englishclub.com/group/sing-a-song

Hi, everyone! Here is one more grammar test for you to master your skills. I have to admit borrowing two last sentences from the blog of one EC member. I have corrected her sentences a little for you to see grammar mistakes. I believe you know what to do! Just correct ALL the mistakes and make the sentences correct and understandable.

Here is your task.

1. Having eaten outside, we realized we might have gotten wet as the rain had been about to start.
2. Hardly we served dinner in out of door restaurant than began T-storm.
3. If I am he, I would find a better job long ago.
4. I didn’t ever see him and don’t want to see.
5. I couldn’t help to recall the day where I confessed that I love her.
6. When we cut off at the Skype conference, my colleagues called later and said blackout was because the T-storm was.
7. Anybody of the two partners wanted to be responsible to take puppies’ poops away and they were about to break while a pet-sitter showed off. (Hahaha!)
8. Having washed my puppies, I never know who is dirty, yet as I can’t tell them one from other hardly.
9. Three years back I was witnessed of a funny situation, then I was in front of my office and three beggars had been asking for money on the road but suddenly got very quickly into the car.
10. I saw there were little cuts on his hands and face, maybe intentionally he did it because he seemed to me fit like a fiddler!

The deadline is the end of May if I am able to survive for so long! Hahaha!

Hi, my friends! It is spring again! It always makes us feel more romantic and playful. So, I think nobody minds my posting this blog.

I believe despite being a teacher, I can write some funny blogs from time to time. So, one of Mary’s blogs as well as my present family situation makes me write something funny to relieve the stress.

Most of young people always ask themselves if they want to have kids and if they are ready for that. I have never asked that question as I have always known I don't want them and am not ready to have any.

However, our pets know they have to give birth to prolong their dynasty so that their species wouldn’t die out.

So, being 3 years old, my lovely obedient dog decided to have puppies one day! First, I didn’t mind and found her a right partner! He is as titled as her and they can hardly wear all their medals. Their pedigrees look like books and they both are great dogs! He behaved like a true gentleman but when she felt pregnant, she became so demanding, discriminating and disobedient!

A month ago she delivered SEVEN great healthy puppies and they were so cute! But they are growing so quickly and now they are occupying all our LARGE apartment, pee and poop everywhere they like and their mother is not even able to tell us where!

Moreover, my wife is leaving for the USA for a few weeks, my best female pen-pal is on vacation and I have no idea what to do with a crowd of young kids who want to explore the world!

I wish I had never allowed my dog to conceive! I wish I had never loved pets! I wish I had never loved women who love pets!

Hahahahaha!

But I am serious, what to do? Should I hire a puppy nurse, one more housekeeper or whom?

I have forgotten to tell you that my dog is a golden retriever and her month old puppies are as big (or bigger) as adult Maltese dogs or poodles.

I hope you will give me some useful advice, my friends!

Hahahaha!

How do you like such a solution of the prolem?

Hi, everyone! To my great regret, I have to post this blog after recieving the unbelievable information about Mary's being banned.

I sincerely want to know what is going on here! Since when are we not allowed to express our minds or to share our observations and life experience? Since when have we started to be banned because of speaking about clothing? I haven’t read Mary’s last blog but I do know its content and I know Mary well enough. She is one of the brightest, smartest, most creative and knowledgeable people on EC. Each of her blogs was like a bright sparkle on the dull firmament! Yes, she is straightforward but aren’t you bored with all the hypocrites you are surrounded by? Don’t you want to know what people really think about you? She is independent and confident but do you really think that the only woman’s wear is a night gown and an apron? She may be tough but she has to be that way to survive in the world where most of men still want to be superior. And, yes, she is an ATHEIST because she is smart enough not to believe. Is it a true reason? Then, let me say that both my wife and I are confirmed atheists and always take part in the discussions related to religion. Although such discussions are prohibited on EC, there are many of them and I have never come across any posted by Christians or atheists, only Christmas congratulations! So, what does it mean?
Well, I haven’t read that damned blog but I am sure about what Mary wanted to say as one of my best EC friends, a Muslim woman told me. Mary is Spanish and the Western world knows that Spain and Italy are the most religious Catholic countries till now. However, even there people wear what is in fashion. Our wear has nothing to do with religion or our traditions, it is tribute to haute couture. So, speaking about ladies’ wear, I DISLIKE MUSLIM WOMEN WRAPPING THEIR BODIES FROM HEAD TO TOES. I DISLIKE IT! I DISLIKE THAT MUSLIM COUNTRIES ARE AGAINST HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGES, EPHTANAZIA, ABORTHINS AND FIRST OF ALL, EQUAL WOMEN RIGHTS!
My country was the same but it has recognized its mistakes. ALL people are equal and free and ALL points of view MUST be spoken out and discussed unless they may stir up national/race/religious hatred or war.
Well, I am really upset, indignant and disappointed. If the real world has become more tolerant to our differences, why to live through the 60-70s again in the network?
Back to Mary. It is so unfair! If you banned her, you should ban me as I have always supported and will always support her and all other atheists here. My wife signs under this message, too. Ban us both and we will create another site for those who are ready to accept the world as it is!
You decided to get rid of Mary as she was able to say much more than you want to hear!
WE WANT MARY BACK, WE WANT MARY BACK, WE WANT MARY BACK!

Hi, everyone! I often miss teaching and teasing you a little! Here is my new grammar test for you (or me!) not to be bored! On this test, you should correct not only grammar mistakes, but also some phrasal verbs. I have borrowed some of the expressions from my wife's students and my personal correspondence.

I believe, you know what to do! You should correct all the mistakes and make all the sentences meaningful. So, let's go ahead!

Here is your task.

1. Both of the twins didn’t do what they were assigned.
2. I was watching the TV eating sandwich lying at the couch.
3. He did not only managed making a good career but also did he become famous.
4. She said when she had called office, I was not in as I left to business to Germany few days ago.
5. Sneakers bought my husband and being small to me and I should refund them.
6. He was good both in teaching and the research as well but decided to quit either.
7. Being seen an owner, my dog ran to me and knocked off me right in front of the sidewalk.
8. Having been at work, I ordered pizza to deliver to my home after I returned. But coming back I saw a pizza box lie in my door being empty.
9. Having walked at the sidewalk, I was stumbled by something, fell off and made my head hurt. When I came back, I couldn’t recall happening.
10. Any of this sentences are a mess and if you will not mind me to stay alive, correct some of them at least!

The deadline is the end of April. 

I have to say I will be absent for a couple of days but my wife, Tanya, will help me out while I am away. I am leaving on Tuesday and will be back on Thursday.

Can't wait to gather some new " masterpieces" for my next nightmare stories! Hahahaha!

Well, well! I see no one is interested in correcting my learner and explaining teacher's mind in my blog from March 17, Part I, although you seem to like Part II! Why? It is my undrerstanding that the first part has been much better and more exciting! It is your business for sure. If I were you, I would avoid an easy road to my goal. But any learning blog should result in your gaining at least some new knowledge. I promised to explain everything and have posted a blog about all phrasal verbs I used or expected to hear. From this blog, you may learn what we feel hearing or reading what you say. Hahaha! You don't have to wait for long to read about my new nightmares!

Just enjoy my learner's confusion now!

Episode I.

Learner: “Yesterday, I ran over my friend downtown but he pretended not to recognize me and passed away.”

Teacher: “No wonder he did! I wonder he had enough time to pretend! I wish I would never run into you anywhere!”

In fact, the learner said driving downtown, he knocked his friend down, driven over him and a poor guy died! Reacting to what he heard, the teacher said he wanted to stay away from the learner’s car on the road to avoid the untimely death. Also, he was surprised that the learner’s friend had had enough time to make believe he didn’t recognize his murderer!

So, the correct sentence is:

“Yesterday, I ran INTO my friend downtown but he pretended not to recognize me and passed BY.”

Episode II.

Learner: ”You know two days ago I reserved a table in a nice restaurant and called away my girlfriend asking her to join me for dinner. I had waited her for a few hours but she neither called nor showed off!”

Teacher: ”Hahaha! Show off?! You have done your best! If I were her, I would call off all our meetings in advance! If I were you, I would rather have called for her before dinner or call on her to beg pardon. But being myself, I am calling you down! To arms, my boy!”

 Let’s see what the learner said. He told/requested/ordered a lady to go somewhere while asking her to join him for dinner. First, men can only ASK ladies. They shouldn’t TELL or REQUEST anything if they are not ladies’ bosses. If we even are, we ASK them to do what they have to. Moreover, if the lady had done what she was told, she wouldn’t have been able to come to the restaurant anyway and could have just showed off somewhere else, where the learner had sent her!

The teacher’s reaction to what he heard was sarcastic, didactic and instructive. First, he said the learner had done everything he could to demonstrate his disrespectful attitude to a lady. Besides, he said if he had been that lady, he would have cancelled all their possible future dates. If the teacher had been the learner, he would have come to the lady’s place before dinner to give her a ride to the restaurant. At least, he would have paid her a visit some later to beg her pardon for being so impolite. Moreover, the teacher said that being a gentleman he was challenging the learner to a duel for the latter to know how to behave. Hahaha!

So, the learner should have said:

“You know two days ago I reserved a table in a nice restaurant and called (up/in) my girlfriend asking her to join me for dinner. I had waited her for a few hours but she neither called nor showed up!”

Episode III.

Learner: “Sir, I thought my article would bring out the last issue of the Journal but they decided to put it away till May!”

Teacher: “Is there anything really special in the last issue of this famous Journal to be brought out?! I though you have brought off your research! If you haven’t, our partners may bring us up before the arbitrage!”

First of all, the learner used the wrong voice. TO BRING OUT means to produce, especially to publish something new (a book, a journal, any other edition). However, the journal he meant has been well-known and popular for many years. So, “my article would bring out the last issue of the Journal” sounds incorrect and senseless. On the other hand, TO BRING OUT may also mean that something makes you show/demonstrate some kind of feelings or behavior or skills you don’t usually show. For example:

She never brings out her best dishes even when guests arrive.

You should be aware of it to understand the teacher’s reaction.

Now, TO PUT AWAY means the same as TO SET ASIDE or TO PUT DOWN. If you hold something in your hands, you put it away if you don’t need it at the moment.

I believe after my explanations you understand the teacher’s reaction better. He wondered what was so special in the March issue because, according to the learner, his article could have given some new information about the famous journal! LOL! He also meant the first thing for the learner to do was to complete his research so that the company wouldn’t be imposed for violating the terms of the contract.

The learner’s correct sentence is:

“Sir, I thought my article would be put in print in the last issue of the Journal but they decided to put it off till May!”

Episode IV.

Learner: "Danny, I think that lady is out-of-date. She told me to look for someone else to share dinner with! She said it is you who can call me away being my boss. Did she really mean what I think?"

Teacher: "Come on! You know I am married to a woman. But if you want to be considered up-to-date, you had better pick up a few girls hoping at least one of them would be able to understand your true intentions."

According to Roman, if a man says a woman is out of date, he hands down his own death sentence and it is better to kick the bucket at once! I agree 100%!!!  In fact, our learner didn’t know why the girl had missed the date and decided she didn’t want to date him. Also, he reported her direct speech and she meant that only their boss (me) could tell them what to do. As our learner didn’t know what TO CALL AWAY means (he thought it meant to call someone for a date or to talk to someone in private), he might have thought the girl hinted to my being a gay! And, of course, I wondered why people who know me can think so because I LOVE WOMEN! You know, EC ladies have hinted to my “different” orientation more than once! Hahahaha! So, the “teacher” tried to justify his traditional orientation and advised the learner to try inviting a few English speaking girls for a date hoping that at least one of them would understand his English and his good intentions. Now, you may see how funny and confusing this episode was! But I’d like to tell you that in real, those two have got along in overcoming the language and cultural differences and are dating now. Sure, nobody knows where it may lead them but…. I do like happy end!

So, to avoid misunderstanding, our learner should have said something like this:

"Danny, I think that lady has passed me over for dating. She told me to look for someone else to share dinner with! She said it is you who can call me away being my boss. Did she really mean what I think?"

Well, I hope you’ve learned something from these mistakes and will think what to say before using any phrasal verbs in any situation. But it is not the end as I have seen a nightmare again! Hahahaha! I believe you know what to expect!

As always, you can ask me any questions if you have any doubts or….

Have a great week!

For those who haven't read, here are the links to the blogs I have mentioned

https://my.englishclub.com/profiles/blogs/let-s-try-to-learn-phrasal-verbs-having-fun

https://my.englishclub.com/profiles/blogs/to-my-previous-blog-some-explanations

Hi, my friends! I know you are busy enjoying your weekend and spring, romance and love. I wish I could join you but I am already out of date for most of females! So, I believe you don't mind my enjoying spring in my own way! LOL!

I see you liked to correct “learner’s” mistakes and to guess what he means. As I have “collected” a few other funny expressions this week, I’d like to propose you a new task. But first of all, I feel like sharing some of my observations with you. I believe them to be useful.

Being bilingual since birth, I had never paid attention to English phrasal verbs before I started learning Russian, a Slavic language. Although it has something in common with the Romanic languages, it is different and much more complicated. So, communicating with Russian speaking people and reading what they write in English, I noticed different people make the same mistakes time and again.  On the other hand, I try writing Russian, too (using a dictionary, of course) and often see that two or more different phrasal verbs have the same translation! And now, it is clear for me why many people say “put away” instead of “put off” and vice versa. It is because these two different English verbs are the same in their language. I noticed something like that on EC, too. People from the same regions make very similar mistakes.

So, what I want to tell you is that if you translate your word to English with the help of a dictionary and it gives you two different phrasal verbs, try to make sure which one is correct in this or that situation. I recommend that you translate both English words back to your language. It often works. If you are not sure, yet, try an English-English explanatory dictionary.

Well, it is just my experience and my observations.

And now, let’s see how ridiculous people may sound if they trust the first word they find in a dictionary.

I will change your task a little. I will describe the situations where I heard these expressions and you have to correct them for me to understand what I have to do. LOL!

Situation I (at the party).

We heard a nice melody I didn’t know but others did. They all know I play the piano and the guitar and wanted me to learn and to perform it. So, our learner asked,

“Danny, can you pick up a tune we have just heard?”

Situation II (in my office at work).

My butt was lying in the ashtray smoking while I was talking to one of my colleagues. I didn’t notice it but he did and said,

“I think it is time to put off your cigarette. It has almost gone down”.

Situation III (a phone call).

We had to leave for another city early morning. We were expected to get to the airport by cab. Late night, I got a call from my colleague who said,

“Something is wrong with my cell and I have no alarm clock. Will you pick me up at 6 am, please?”

Situation IV (in my office again).

I was reading a paper book when a guy entered my office and said,

“We urgently need you in the laboratory. Will you put a book off for a while and come down, please?”

I have already explained what TO PUT OFF means and it must be easy to correct.

But look here, what I want to say is that the expressions people used and those they should have said are the same words in their language! I just want to prevent you from making such mistakes! Sure, I will help you get to the point. Next weekend I will post full explanations of all the episodes described in both blogs.

Now, I am looking forward to your corrections. It would be great if you explain what learners actually said and give your examples.

Hi, everyone!

I think it is time to explain the phrasal verbs I used writing my previous blog or I meant expecting your corrections. First of all, I’d like to say that phrasal verbs are not idioms, at least for English speaking people. However, speaking a few other languages, I realize they sound like idioms for you as in your languages the same actions are defined by some other verbs.  Phrasal verbs are really “tricky” as you may see. If you use a wrong preposition or a wrong verb, you say something different that may make sense!

Now, there is one easy rule for you to remember. Phrasal verbs may be separable (I have marked them with symbol (S)) and inseparable. If a phrasal verb is separable, we may place an indirect object between a verb and a preposition. If an indirect object is a pronoun, we ALWAYS place it right after a verb. We place ANY indirect object the same way if a verb is followed by two (or more) prepositions. Here are a few examples.

He called her up.

He called his friend up

Or

He called up his friend.

Take your hands out of the pockets.

Take the dirty dishes away from the table.

Moreover, you should realize that one phrasal verb may have different uses like TO BRING UP, TO RUN OVER, TO PICK UP and many others. So, you should always try to understand them in the given context. Let’s consider one of them, TO RUN OVER. Here are two examples:

He didn’t slow down and ran a dog over.

I ran over the pricelist and decided to refrain from buying new equipment.

I believe it is clear that in the first sentence a guy drove over a dog and in the second I looked through the pricelist. So, I am not going to copy a dictionary and will explain the meanings of the phrasal verbs in my blog.

RUN OVER (S) means that you knocked somebody or something down and drove over.

RUN INTO (BUMP INTO, COME ACROSS)– to meet someone unexpectedly.

PASS AWAY – to die.

PASS BY – to walk or drive past someone/something.

CALL AWAY (S) – to tell/request/order someone to leave the place where he is and to go somewhere else, mostly on business.

CALL UP/IN (S)  - to make a phone call.

CALL OFF (S) – to cancel.

CALL FOR -  if you CALL FOR someone, you go to the building where he/she is, so that you both can go somewhere.

CALL ON  - to pay a visit to someone.

CALL OUT (S)  - in my blog I mean to challenge to a duel/ fight.

SHOW OFF - to boastfully display one's abilities or accomplishments.

SHOW UP – to appear.

BRING OUT (S) – to produce or publish some new product.

BRING OFF (S) – to complete, to finish some work successfully.

BRING UP (S) – in my blog, to bring before the court.

PUT AWAY (S) –to set aside, to put something where it is kept when you don’t use it.

PUT OFF (S) – to postpone.

PUT IN PRINT – to publish.

BE OUT OF DATE – to be old-fashioned, no longer valid or relevant.

BE UP TO DATE – to be modern, up to standards.

PICK UP (S) - in my blog, to acquaint with girls.

PASS OVER (S) – in my blog, to take no notice of someone, to disregard.

I believe you have all necessary information to correct a learner and to explain teacher’s ideas. I sincerely hope you will bring off your task at last!

And, of course, it will be great if you write some examples with the phrasal verbs I have just explained. You may also write your blogs and I will correct your mistakes if any.

Hi, everyone! 

I can’t say I am sorry for being very busy and not posting any learning tests as you prefer to discuss polygamy and polyandry instead of mastering your language. On the other hand, in my real life, I have to deal with many people speaking very interesting English “dialect”. As far as I have noticed, their (and your) main problem is phrasal verbs and vocabulary. I mostly understand what they mean but being a humorous person I always want to react, you know! LOL! So, I’d like to propose you some new task. I am posting a few dialogues between a learner and a native/fluent speaker. A LEARNER makes mistakes (in italic). A TEACHER reacts to what the learner says. Now, you should correct learner’s mistakes and explain teacher’s reaction. In fact, you should explain all phrasal verbs and give your examples.

Episode I.

Learner: “Yesterday, I ran over my friend downtown but he pretended not to recognize me and passed away.”

Teacher: “No wonder he did! I wonder he had enough time to pretend! I wish I would never run into you anywhere!”

Episode II.

Learner: ”You know two days ago I reserved a table in a nice restaurant and called away my girlfriend asking her to join me for dinner. I had waited for her for a few hours but she neither called nor showed off!”

Teacher: ”Hahaha! Show off?! You have done your best! If I were her, I would call off all our meetings in advance! If I were you, I would rather have called for her before dinner or call on her to beg pardon. But being myself, I am calling you out! To arms, my boy!”

Episode III.

Learner: “Sir, I thought my article would bring out the last issue of the Journal but they decided to put it away till May!”

Teacher: “Is there anything really special in the last issue of this famous Journal to be brought out?! I though you have brought off your research! If you haven’t, our partners may bring us up before the arbitrage!”

I can't help adding one more episode after talking to the guy who had tried to invite an American woman for dinner in such an unusual way.

Episode IV.

Learner: "Danny, I think that lady is out-of-date. She told me to look for someone else to share dinner with! She said it is you who can call me away being my boss. Did she really mean what I think?"

Teacher:"Come on! You know I am married to a woman. But if you want to be considered up-to-date, you had better pick up a few girls hoping at least one of them would be able to understand your true intentions."

I'd like to tell you that all the episodes are based on my talks with the real people I am working with now.

Let’s see if you like such a task!

Dear friends! This time my nightmares are based on your wrong answers to my grammar test. As you can see, it is unnecessary for me to read your blogs or comments to have a lot of fun! I believe you all realize that I post such tests for you to master your knowledge and not to surprise others with the expressions I have to correct. Live and learn! So, this time I have learned a lot! Honestly, most of your answers were just fantastic. However, I have chosen a few which stroke my imagination. For you to understand my story, I will post my wrong sentences together with correct. Are you ready to read all that mess again?!

1. Incorrect. On table before a deadly man a tray with dinner was standing not being served by flight attendant.

Correct. On the table before the dead man stood a tray with dinner which hadn’t been served by a flight attendant.

2. Incorrect. She heard some strange noise going outside. Held a baby on arms, she went to the overlooking the river window so that she saw what went on.

Correct. She heard some strange noise coming from outside. Holding a baby in her arms, she came up to the window overlooking the river to see what was going on.

3. Incorrect. Being walked at the park by my dog, I ran on my old friend who said he hadn’t known we moved to the other country both.

Correct. Walking my dog in the park, I ran into my old friend who said he didn’t know we both had moved to another country.

4. Incorrect. Going back from work I saw my wife’s sitting a cake in oven I didn’t want to eat as I kept a diet for long.

Correct. Having come back from work, I saw my wife set a cake into the oven but I didn’t want to eat the cake as I had been keeping a diet for long.

5. Incorrect. I have never thought I will have my occupation be changed due to I moved to the other country.

Correct. I never thought I would have to change my occupation due to moving to another country.

Despite a lot of mistakes, the sense of my sentences is clear enough. Now, let’s see what you managed to learn from them.

1. “Being not served by the flight attendant, a dead man was standing on a tray before the table.” Hahaha! What a great fantasy! How is it possible to find such information in my sentence?!
2. “She was holding her baby in her arms from inside.” Oh, man! Was she a sadist? Did she want to take all organs and guts out of her baby? What a horror!
3. “She had heard some strange noise and went outside. Holding a baby in her arms, she went to the window overlooking the river so that she saw what was going on.” Can you understand what happened? If the noise was outside and she went out, why did she go back to the window? If she had looked into the window from outside, she would have seen her room. If she wanted to see it, what for she went out? Where is logic?
4. “I have never thought I would be changed my occupation.” If I don’t even mention the tenses which are a true horror themselves, it is unbelievable that somebody can change my profession without my knowing about it!
5. “My wife was putting a cake in the oven which I didn’t want to eat.” My dear friends! I don’t eat my kitchen equipment! If I ate up our new stove, my wife would refuse from cooking forever and I would starve to death! Hahaha!
6. “My wife set a cake I didn’t want to eat in the oven despite keeping a diet.” According to this great sentence, when I keep a diet I usually eat in the oven for nobody to see me eat what I shouldn’t. However, that day I changed my mind and refused from eating in such an uncomfortable place!
7. “Walking my dog in the park, I ran to my old friend.” If you see a person you know walking the street, do you really run up to him? You may quicken your pace but you will not run for sure! People don’t behave like that! My dog could run up to a man but not me!
Now, I’d like to present you my new nightmare story created by my weird imagination. Enjoy!

I was woken up by the strange noise coming from outside. I started listening. The desperate mewing was alternating with the heavy thuds hitting the ground. I rolled out of my bed and came up to the window to see what was going on. What I saw was really funny! My obese male cat was trying to jump onto the windowsill from outside and every time he jumped up, he failed and crashed to the ground mewing. I felt pity for my cat! At least, he was the only one more male in our family! I tried to lean out of the window but I couldn’t, something bothered me! I drew myself up, came up to the mirror and was about to faint! I saw a stranger who was as obese as my cat! My belly looked like that of a woman bearing twins right before the delivery!
“Too much beer and pizza!” I thought. “It is time to go on a diet!” and immediately felt very thirsty and hungry!
However, I wanted to help my cat and somehow leaned out of the window hoping to catch him in the air during his next attempt. He jumped up again and I managed to catch him but my hands easily went through his fatty body and I realized that I was holding him from inside! It was terrifying! I felt all his fatty organs, his spine, his full stomach and guts! I thought,
“I have to keep a diet for sure! I don’t want to suffer from hepatic steatosis!” but I was starving badly!
Finally, I pulled him in and took my hands out of his body expecting to hear his last breath but nothing happened although he was scared and didn’t want to jump off my arms. I didn’t mind it but the strange noise was heard again. Holding the cat in my arms, I came out to see if something else was happening. Standing in the backyard and looking around I heard some grinding sound coming from inside the house. I came up to the windows and looked inside but saw nothing. So, I came in trying to find the source of that nasty sound. It was coming from the kitchen together with the mouth-watering smell of a freshly baked cake. I entered and saw my dog dancing around the stove wagging her tail and trying to open the oven with her teeth! There was a cake, so delicious and so desirable! I was starving for sure! I wanted to open the oven but my dog had already bit off and chewed up its part together with the handle and it turned out to be impossible! When I kept a diet, I usually ate in the oven so that nobody could see me but that time it seemed to be hopeless! I returned to my bedroom willing to dress myself and to go out. I felt really hungry and thirsty! Putting on my pants I saw a business card fall out of the pocket. I picked it up, read my name and, to my great surprise, found out that my major, my occupation, my academic title had been changed by someone during one night! My business card informed everyone that I was EC Senior scoffer and butcher! I couldn’t help swearing!
“…What’s the hell? How come, someone could change my occupation without my knowing about it?!” But I was starving and dehydrating and had to go out. As usual, I decided to kill two birds with one stone and took my dog with me.
Walking to the nearest restaurant, I suddenly saw my colleague. I wanted to run up to him and to ask what was going on but seeing a bulk with a big dog nearing him, my colleague immediately jumped into the car, put his foot down and hit the accelerator as hard as he could. The wheels screamed and he vanished from my sight.
At last, I entered the restaurant, sat down at my favorite table by the window and asked a waiter to bring me a keg of beer and a roasted piglet. Waiting for my order, I couldn’t help thinking about the reasons of such great changes in my life. The day before, I had been a slender man with a trained body and brain. I taught people some chemistry and some English and was sure that knowing both would never bother them. Yes, I did correct their mistakes but I had never wanted to kill my students or get rid of them! I started recalling all their and my mistakes and…. went to sleep.
I was woken up by some strange noise again! I blinked my eyes, opened them and saw a crowd of people leaning over me. I heard them say I was dead but I was not! I looked at the table and saw nothing I had ordered! I looked at my watch. I had ordered lunch long before! It started getting on my nerves! Since when did we have to wait for hours to be served?! I saw a waiter passing by with an empty tray. I snatched the tray from his hands, crashed it to the floor and started tap dancing on it so that my waiter would pay attention to me! At last, he heard that call of the wild, came up and said,

“Sorry, Sir! We all thought you were dead. Dead people don’t eat. I will bring your order.” And he brought it a few minutes later. I started eating and drinking so noisily and greedily that I choked and… woke up!
I was sitting at my desk with my head lying on something very soft, hairy and purring. I opened my eyes and saw my male cat. He was really obese! I raised my head and saw the computer screen with the page from my last grammar test. I smelled a mouth-watering freshly baked cake and thought I was still sleeping. But I looked back and saw my wife standing in the doorway smiling. Seeing my bewilderment, she said,
“Danny, you were complaining of starving to death while sleeping and I decided to bake your favorite cake and to cook dinner.” I looked at my cat and replied,
“Darling, if I were as fatty as him, would you live with me?” She laughed and said,
“Look at yourself! If you lose a few more pounds, I will hardly find you in our bed.”
She left and I came up to the mirror. I recognized a slender, well-trained man looking at me. He was very much like me but his grey hair and gaunt face made me think we both needed more food, drinks and hair dye.

Hahhahaha!

Hi, dear learners! The winter vacations are over and it is time to get down to business. So, here is a new grammar test. It is very much like the previous one and I am sure you all know what to do! Also, pay your attention to the problematic verbs, prepositions, articles, please. Just correct all the mistakes!

Here is your task.

1. On table before a deadly man a tray with dinner was standing not being served by flight attendant.
2. She heard some strange noise going outside. Held a baby on arms, she went to the overlooking the river window so that she saw what went on.
3. I rose my head hearing the being boiled kettle that whistled in the kitchen.
4. Getting tired during the day, I laid down and asked not disturbing.
5. Being walked at the park by my dog, I ran on my old friend who said he hadn’t known we moved to the other country both.
6. Going back from work I saw my wife’s sitting a cake in oven I didn’t want to eat as I kept a diet for long.
7. I wish I have never made anyone to blush when read my comments at their mistakes but people learn on such way.
8. I have never thought I will have my occupation be changed due to I moved to the other country.
9. When I called her and was no answer I had thought she must left or didn’t hear the phone was ringing.
10. I didn’t know when would depart the flight and did I have to go to the airport before the time.

You all know if some sentences don’t make sense, it is better to ask me before correcting them.
Have a great weekend!
The deadline is the end of January. So, take your time but be attentive, please!

Here are the correct sentences.

1. On the table before the dead man stood (sat) a tray with dinner which hadn’t been served by a flight attendant.
   2. She heard some strange noise coming from outside. Holdinga baby in her arms, she came up to the window overlooking the river to see what was going on.
   3. I raised my head hearing the boiling kettle whistling in the kitchen.
   4. Having gotten tired during the day, I lay down and asked not to be disturbed.
   5. Walking my dog in the park, I ran into my old friend who said he didn’t known we both had moved to another country.
   6. Having come back from work I saw my wife set(ting) a cake into the oven but I didn’t want to eat the cake as I had been keeping a diet for long.
   7. I wish that I had never made anyone blush (while) readingmy comments on his/her mistakes but people learn in such away.
   8. I never thought I would have to change my occupation due to moving to another country.
   9. When I called her and there was no answer I thought she must have left or didn’t hear the phone ring.
   10. I didn’t know when the flight departed and whether I had to come to the airport ahead of time.

Sure, you can ask me all your questions.

Hi, my friends! My overconfident teacher’s and writer’s nature prompts you may be missing my nightmare stories I haven’t posted for rather long. Fortunately, you have done your best supplying me with your great masterpieces I am going to base my story on. However, let’s see what great expressions you have managed to invent.
1. “Our brains have come back.” The question is where they have been. Have they taken a walk or been buried in the forest I saw in my last dream? Most probably, they decided to go for Christmas vacation! Why not? LOL! So, the author should have said something like this: “Our brains are back” or “We are already able to use/involve our brains” or…
2. “A depilated house”. Oh, man! What a nightmare! Can you imagine that house before depilation?! Just for you to know TO DEPILATE means to remove hair from a skin. In fact, that house was abandoned and destroyed.
3. “She was dropped at my place.” I always tell you to think about the passive voice. If you use it incorrectly, the meaning of a sentence may change dramatically! It is my sentence from the last test and it was clear that a woman came to see me. So, the author should have said “She dropped in at (into) my place”.
4. “In our apartment we have a water heater in a powder room.” For you all to know, a powder room is a ladies’ room, mostly at public places because only women say “I have to powder my nose” when they need to visit a toilet. As far as I know, the author is married and lives together with her husband, father and daughter. So, what should I think? It sounds like males’ discrimination! The ladies have hot running water in their bathroom but the men don’t and have to harden themselves taking a cold shower! So, in our apartments and houses are BATHROOMS and, as usual, a couple has a common bathroom.
5. “We have to think about pricing electricity.” My dear learners! We don’t price our utilities! They are priced by others and we pay our utility bills.
6. “There is no AC or heating at our schools and universities.” I realize there may not be heating in a tropical country as I have been living in Florida for many years. But AC means alternating current first of all. Sure, it may mean any electric device/unite or air conditioning or something else. But whatever it means in this sentence, the first idea striking my mind is power supply. Any educational institution can’t do without it. Besides, if it is a country with a hot climate, there must be conditioning. I can only imagine poor kids and teens gasping and sweating during a hot season and shivering during winter months staying in the dark classrooms! LOL!
Now, let’s see what a nightmare I am able to see.

I woke up lying in a back yard. It was not mine! There was no well-mowed green grass around, there was no my dog or cats or crazy parrot. I tried to rub my eyes and saw my wounded hands covered with dirt. I looked around and saw a fire with a boiling kettle hanging over it. The smoke smelled offensive!
“What’s that?” I though as I knew burning wood smelled nice and pleasant. But I went on looking around trying to realize where I was. The night was falling but the tiny shading of firelight limned dark contours of a house nearby and the familiar outline of a city was still seen in some distance in the dusk. I was not far from my city but my hands and face were so dirty that I had to wash them before making my way home. I got up from the ground and neared the house hoping to be let in. The windows were not lighted but I thought if the kettle was boiling there must have been someone who had put it on. I came over, stumbled and leaned against the wall trying not to fall down. The wall felt HAIRY like my male cat! I thought, “I am sleeping for sure! Walls can’t be hairy!” but I felt freezing and willing to visit a bathroom!
So, I walked around the house and knocked on the front door. To my great surprise, the door opened and I saw a well-dressed woman and a cute girl standing in the doorway. They looked very friendly and I dared to ask (very politely) if they would let me in wash my face and hands in their bathroom and get warm a little. But the woman replied with a charming smile:
“Sorry, sir! There is neither heating nor hot water nor power supply nor gas in our house. Besides, there is only a powder room for ladies and we can’t let you use it. You are a man and should satisfy your needs outside.”
I was more than surprised! But the girl suddenly said,
“Come in, I will let you visit my bathroom.” I entered the dark house and felt my way to the bathroom. The water was icy but I washed off the dirt and blood. The cute girl lighted a candle, cleansed my wounds, bandaged my hands, kissed me on the cheek and I couldn’t help kissing her back! She made tea smelling nauseating and made me have it. I was ready to go home but I couldn’t leave without asking some questions! So, I asked the woman to tell me at least something about their lifestyle. First of all, I was interested in their having no power supply as I saw electric wires not far from there. I also wanted to know what was burning in the fire smelling so sickening! Why was the house hairy? But I started asking about her daughter trying to soften her up. I said,
“Your daughter is so great and cute! You are a model mother!” But she replied,
“She is not my daughter. This girl was dropped at my door many years ago. She didn’t know her parents and I decided to foster her. I treat her as my child and she is really cute!”
It was a good start. I took courage and asked about electricity and gas.
The lady replied, “We don’t price utilities and have to think about the bills, dear stranger! We would rather live in the dark and shiver than pay such a high price!” And I thought I was sleeping and dreaming! But I couldn’t help asking why her house was so hairy. She replied with tears in her eyes,
“You see, I have been single for so many years! Nobody has taken good care of the house and it seems to have reacted. Its walls started getting hairy but we decided that the hair would protect us from freezing and it does! When it is very cold, we make a fire of dry cow dung where we also cook.”
I was astonished and dumbfounded. What century was it? But I still saw the skyscrapers of my city on the horizon. Anyway, I went on:
“You are such a nice lady! Why not to find a right man?”
She started crying bitterly.
“Any man who comes to my house can’t stand my housing conditions and either leaves or dies or suicides. Aren’t you feeling like that?”
Everything went dark before my eyes. I felt my brains leaving me willing to take a walk and to give me some rest! I thought, “This poor woman needs emergency aid and her house needs depilating!” My legs gave away, I fell down, fainted and… woke up!
I immediately rolled out of the bed, switched on the light and it went on! I rushed to the bathroom, turned on the faucet and the hot water started running! I looked at the shelf and saw my shaver. My towel hung on the rail next to my wife’s. It looked like we still had the common bathroom! I went to the kitchen, put the kettle on the stove, turned on gas and heard the habitual sound which was like music that morning! I made a cup of coffee and went out to the porch to look at the walls of my house. To my great relief, the walls were clean, smooth and sleek. But something still disturbed my mind and I recalled the lady’s words:” Nobody has taken good care of the house and it seems to have reacted.” I recalled not visiting my parents’ house for rather long, called the Air Agency and booked a ticket to Boston.

Hi, everyone! Although our ladies are unique and spellbound every day, upcoming holidays always make them think about buying some new wear to shine with their stunning beauty at the parties. My female cats seem not to be an exception. They have decided to dress up and to change their usual image!
As footwear, especially wearing one shoe, has already become a habitual topic, I propose to accomplish it with this funny photo challenge suggested by our dear Cat Lady Mary and approved by our dear mod Grace.

So, I am posting a few pictures reflecting my cats’ life. A black-and-white spotty cat is our older female Kuzyasha. She is about 7 years old. A gray cat is our male Bux of about 1,5. A tricolor kitten is our younger female Sonny. They are not relatives but make a great family.

Now, I’d like you to write a short story from cats’ life based on these pictures. Those who don’t like or don’t know cats may write any funny story about the same situation in human life.

I sincerely hope you will enjoy such a challenge. It meets New Year mood!

Please, leave the links to your blogs here and I will surely read them all.

Have a great weekend!

Hi, everyone! The year is coming to the end and, as usual, we can’t help recalling its memorable moments. 2017 hasn’t been the best in my life. It was a year of cardinal decisions and fundamental changes, a year of losses and finds, disappointment and quest, hesitation and reflection, despondency and rapture, new discoveries and new sources of inspiration. But whatever we live through makes us stronger and wiser and sooner or later we start realizing it was all for the best. So, I’d like to leave my bad memories in the past while I’d like to keep the best forever.
One of my best memories is great writing challenges on EC this year. Some of them were started in 2016 but I can’t help mentioning them because of the reaction they caused. I believe you will gladly recall those outstanding events in our EC life and share my delight.

I will start with a great poetry challenge proposed by our dear Onee-Chan. I like it so much! Thank you, dear!
http://www.myenglishclub.com/profiles/blogs/poem-challenge
It was really bold and hilarious idea to use the words from the “Guess My Word” game in poems! When there left only three words: DISTILLATION, FLEXIBILITY and FREELOADER, I decided to help and wrote a funny poem. Most of the poems were great, many of them were very funny (I remember Onee’s one about a colander, a poem about a label under the table, Mishaikh’s poem and some others) but Luci’s one was unforgettable.

One more challenge I liked very much was AG’s “Tell a Joke”.
http://www.myenglishclub.com/profiles/blogs/writing-challenge-tell-a-joke
We were able to read so many funny jokes told by the people from different countries! Humor unites! Thank you, AG! It was a great idea!

I will also mention my interesting funny challenge
http://www.myenglishclub.com/profiles/blogs/one-more-writing-challenge-write-a-funny-story-or-a-poem-using
I admit borrowing the idea from Onee. So, I asked EC members to write something funny using the words from the Jeopardy game. At first, it didn’t work out like it had been expected but in the end it resulted in many great poems and stories. I would like to mention Rose’s hilarious poem and Luci’s stunning story. And, of course, I can’t help telling about Tanya’s and my blog “A Poetic Battle” I still read if I feel sad.

Unfortunately, I have never had enough time to read much on EC. But I think I won’t be wrong if I say that Luci’s “Who am I? Who is he/she?” was one of the best challenges this year!
http://www.myenglishclub.com/profiles/blogs/writing-challenge-who-am-i
I believe it was a perfect idea to tell other members what we feel and think about them as well as to tell more about ourselves. We could choose any style and make our stories either serious or humorous or funny and all the participants chose their own way. As a result, we learned much more about each other and enriched EC with a lot of great blogs! Thank you, my dear muse!

I am also happy to see Mary’s blog “Choose 5 blogs you wrote in EC that you like best”
http://www.myenglishclub.com/profiles/blogs/choose-the-5-blogs-you-wrote-here-and-you-like-the-most
It is a wonderful idea to share our best masterpieces with others. Thanks, dear lady!

Finally, I will mention one of my last challenges based on the learners’ mistakes.
http://www.myenglishclub.com/profiles/blogs/writing-challange-a-short-funny-story
I do like your reaction! My friends, you wrote such great stories that most of them were featured! You know, the health of nation is its ability to laugh at itself. We can say the same about each individual and I am happy to see heathy people around! Thank you all for participating and learning from your and others’ mistakes. It makes any teacher sleep well! LOL!
Sure, I haven’t been able to tell about all the blogs I really like. I chose a few as I consider them being interesting and learning.

I sincerely believe you will add your favorite blogs, discussions and challenges to the list I have started!

Please, go on writing!

Thanks for your attention!

Hi, everyone! Although both my wife and I will be very busy till mid-January, I have decided to post one more grammar test, the last in 2017. This test is not easy. It expects you to know all English grammar in details. Besides, there may be wrong prepositions, articles, pronouns and much more. This test also contains some wrong phrasal verbs.

So, here is your task. You know you should correct all the mistakes.

1. No sooner he was called off for coming to office after 8 am, when he managed being late for an hour again.
2. Such pleasantly his voice sounded for everybody to listen to him in delight.
3. If I was told I would become a director in business company, I would hardly have believed that.
4. I would rather that my friend was marry with the other woman.
5. I happened meeting her at the street and she said when she had dropped in my place yesterday, I seemed to go away or was sleeping.
6. At days of Louis XIV French were famous because of their refined manner and subtle taste.
7. When question being asked, none of students seemed knowing the answer.
8. The discussing article was written by a scientist known like the author of the famous monograph within the field given.
9. Being hold a hand of the boy, the thief neared to the deserted destroyed by time house.
10. Being ripped away by a cabman who had thought I was a newcomer for that country, I explained him with his native language I had known how much I had to charge.

I believe we will be able to arrange or to take part in all the parties we have to throw or to be present at until you correct at least a half of the mistakes I have managed to make.

So, the deadline for this test is December 31.

Have a great weekend, my friends!

Here are the correct sentences. You may ask your questions as usual.

1. No sooner had he been called down for coming to the office after 8 am then he managed to be an hour late
2. So pleasant sounded his voice that everybody listened to him in delight.
3. If I had been told I was going to become a director of a business company, I would have hardly believed that.
4. I would rather that my friend were married to another
5. I happened to meet her on the street and she said when she dropped in at (into) my place yesterday, I seemed to have gone out or to be sleeping.
6. In the days of Louis XIV the French were famous for their refined manners and subtle tastes.
7. When the question had been asked, none of the students seemed to know the answer.
8. The article being discussed was written by the scientist known as the author of afamous monograph in the given
9. Holding the boy’s hand, the thief neared _ the deserted house destroyed with/by the time.
10. Having been ripped off by a cabman who thought I was a newcomer in that country, I explained to him in his native language I knew how much I had to be charged.

My dear friends! I knew you would present a few great expressions on my challenge but I didn’t expect to see so many! Sure, I can’t help adding a few from my personal correspondence as they are worth posting.

1. I can’t help wondering what you all are going to do with your brains! Hardly had I got over “resting the brain” of my favorite student, when you stunned me with a few new ideas. One of the greatest EC brains wants to RIP it! Yes, dear, it was a funny story but our learners should know we can’t rip anything like jelly. In the best case, we can blow it up! LOL! Another great lady needs “to OFF her brain” and to “SHUT DOWN her thinking ability”! People, your brains are not appliances, you can’t plug/turn them on and off! They are not devices or engines you can shut down. Well, it is not bad for a funny story but you shouldn’t speak so being serious!
2. “I went to feed my goats in the forest.” It is really funny! If I had the goats why to go to the forest to feed them? Cattle eats much and I would have to pull (I wouldn’t be able to carry) the bags with their forage to the woods! Isn’t it easier to feed them at the farm? When we take our cattle to the field we expect the animals to eat what they see or can find. So, we GRAZE them.
3. “I lead the goats to home.” I don’t know where to start from! TO LEAD is an irregular word. Its past tense is LED. We don’t use TO before HOME like “Go home”, “I came home”. But to lead a herd is something I like very much. A herdsman usually follows his herd not to lose any animal on the way.
4. “We went further into the depth of the shuttle.” Let me tell you again it is not that bad for a funny story but… I imagine that shuttle as large as a forest and as deep as an ocean! Dear author, are you  Doctor WHO?
5. “I found it inappropriate to sit on a coach.” Sure! It is really inappropriate to SIT on her! It feels much more comfortable to sit on her gravestone!
6. “I found out many books in the library.” A lady went to the library to get some books she needed. She was certain to know what books she wanted to take home to prepare for the exam. We FIND OUT some information we need by calling, searching, asking. But if we look for something, we FIND it sooner or later.
7. “The weight machine didn’t show my losing weight.” Sure, not! It is for weighing very heavy stuff! People usually check their weight on the scales but if they are off-scale we do need a weighing machine for sure! LOL!

So, here is my new nightmare! Enjoy!

My cats (Kuzyasha, Sonny and Bux) and a parrot (Rocky) had always been displeased with my walking only a dog (Jenny) and one morning they went on a silent hunger strike joined by Jenny who always supported everyone. As I was not used to silence and didn’t want my pets to starve, I decided to take them all to the forest hopping to be able to feed them there. So, I took a big bag with the dog food and a plastic bag with my lunch, asked Jenny to take a smaller bag with the cat food, ordered Bux to take the smallest pack with Rocky’s nuts and he obeyed! That moment I realized I was dreaming but I had no idea that a pleasant funny dream was going to become a nightmare again! Anyway, Rocky got onto my shoulder and I went out followed by Jenny proudly caring Royal Canin pack in her teeth and three cats walking in a single-file column. As my pets didn’t know the way, I led them to the forest looking back all the time trying not to lose any. I was about to wring my neck leading them across the streets with the heavy traffic but we reached the forest just in time for me to stay alive. I decided to deep some farther into the forest and soon we neared a clearing looking very scary and evil. My cats immediately dashed away, Rocky hid on the top of an old oak, Jenny stood dumbfounded with fear and I thought that my good intentions had led to no good again! However, I decided to find out what had scared my pets away and took a closer look at the clearing. To my great surprise and dismay, I saw many tombstones all around. I started walking and reading epitaphs:

“I rested my brain here forever. Rest in peace, my beloved one!”

“My head, removed but not reset!”

“My brain that went off when I ordered it to shut down thinking! I miss you!”

Suddenly my attention was drawn by the interesting bás-relief depicting a full glass of wine. I read the epitaph:

“Here is to my tricky mean brain I ripped! Cheers! I feel better without you!”

All that sounded so familiar that my eyes dimmed with tears and my brain was befogged with the only one oppressive thought: “WHY did I start teaching people if I couldn’t convince them of using their brains as intended?” I fell down on the ground and started crying bitterly hopping that my inconsolable wail would attract my pets and they would come back. I couldn’t stand to lose them like I had lost the greatest brains on EC!

But all of a sudden I heard somebody munch nearby drowning out the sounds of my desperate hysterics. I looked at the right and saw a young guy sitting on a tombstone eating and drinking. His face looked familiar as I seemed to have seen him before. I stopped crying, got up and came up to him willing to ask why he was desecrating the graves of the brains and heads so dear to me. I politely asked my question and he replied,

“Come on, Danny! You should know that to eat and to drink at a cemetery is traditional in our country, no problem! It is in the memory of those who passed away. Will you join me for the feast? I see you have lost your pets! Just start munching loudly and they will surely appear and run up to get some food!”

“Where am I?” I thought but automatically agreed as I was starving and wanted to have at least my pets back. I took my lunch and a bottle of good wine out of the bag and we started eating. My companion turned out to be right. No sooner had I started eating than all my pets ran/flew up begging for something tasty! We treated them from our table, opened the bags with their food and went on talking. My companion proved to be a great humorous person to talk to and we didn’t notice the sun go down.

He kindly agreed to help me bring all my pets home safe and alive and I proposed him to lead our procession because my neck was still hurting. As I was closing the file it was finally easy for me to watch everyone walking ahead!

When we safely got home, I recalled eating, drinking and doing nothing all day long and decided to check my weight as I always try to keep in shape. I stood on the scales but they went off and I thought if I was going to live in this country I would have to buy a weighing machine soon!

Hahahahaha! Enjoy!

Hi, everyone! I have decided to kill two birds with one stone and to write one blog on my Funny Story and Onee’s News Report challenges. Isn’t it a good idea? Let’s see!

Now, I am in the studio and here is the breaking news my freelance reporter is going to share with us. So, we are on the air! Stay with us!

“Brian, do you have anything interesting to tell us about EC life?”

“Sure, Danny! And not about EC only! Let me tell about a few current events we all will be interested to know about!

On All Saints’ Eve there were many strikes at poultry farms all over the world. Turkeys protested against being fed up all year round and gaining too much weight to get into ovens on Thanksgiving. They stipulated to be roasted before they start looking like hippos. Danny?”

“Thanks, Brian! I don’t mind having a roasted turkey more often! But now we can see if any living things crowd, we may expect some riot or revolution. Brian?”

“Yes, Danny, and my next commentary is the best confirmation. If a few independent women come together, they hatch a plot but if they start crowding, the revolution is inevitable. However, it seems to me demanding the same rights they forgot about the same duties. Danny?”

“Yes, Brian, ….thinking about ….my personal, sorry! So, what?”

“Danny, the crowds of independent women decided to rest their brains and to bury them forever as they couldn’t stand the results of their own decisions making their arms feel numb. Now, they are looking for the coaches to help them do without brains and arms as they decided to get rid of the arms, too. Danny?”

“Brian, what do you mean? Will all our ladies be unconscious and armless from now on? But who will talk to us when we are off mood, who will give us hugs, who will bring us beer on hangover morning, who will inspire us and hold us back from our reckless deeds? Brian?”

“Danny, I have no answer! You know they are independent in everything they do. We have to keep off if we want to stay alive and to survive as a species.”

“Yes, you are certain to be right although I would rather live with a sane woman who can hit my head with a frying pan or a rolling pin explaining the reasons! Don’t you have any nice news to excite our audience? Brian?”

“Of course, I do have one! One lady invented a new technology of footwear manufacturing as she likes shoes so very much. She just stuck a heel of her shoe into her leg. It started rooting, growing and blossoming. As a result, she gets many pairs of new shoes as soon as they “ripe” on a shoe tree growing from her leg! This new technology has already bankrupted many famous companies all over the world as being a lady she immediately shared her ideas with others! Danny?”

“Brian,… thinking…. Well, I do like ladies’ wearing nice shoes as well as I, myself, like good footwear. But I have a lot of doubts if I like to see a woman raising a shoe tree on her body. I don’t want to feel back in jungle again!

Well, ladies and gentlemen! I think it is time for me to break off this news report and to think over the information we have just heard until I am still sane. Hope you will join us some later! Have a great weekend!”

My dear ladies!  I am ready for any execution your inventive brains may recommend until you rest them!

Hi, everyone! My funny contest has been over and, as a result, we have got 6 winning mistakes you found to be the funniest. Here they are together with my explanations:

1. “Having held the books for so long she felt her arms become numb and she dropped them on the floor.” This sentence means that a woman dropped her ARMS on the floor because they had got (were getting) numb. What a horror!
2. “I have a shoe in one leg and another leg is bare.” It means that some woman has more than two legs. Besides she wears ONE shoe IN A LEG! It is unbelievable!
3. “He is sleeping on the coach.” A COACH is a person who trains sportsmen or other people. As a matter of fact, a coach can be a male or a female! LOL!
4. “I need to rest my brain.” It means that someone doesn’t need his brain at all and has decided to bury it somewhere!
5. “There were crowds of turkeys on the table.” According to this sentence, the turkeys were alive crowding on the table.
6. “Please, excuse a stupid unconscious woman.” I wonder if I have to add any explanations! A woman was unconscious writing it! Hahaha!

Is it possible not to laugh reading such great expressions? You know I wrote many nightmare stories based on such mistakes and now I propose you to join me and to write short funny stories reflecting your personal perception of what was said by our winners!

So, what you should do is to write short funny stories based on one, a few or all the given expressions. You don’t have to use the full given sentences in your text but the plots of your stories should reflect the ideas presented by their authors. Please, don’t plagiarize from my nightmares. I am expecting to read something original and to enrich my collection with new fantastic mistakes I will be able to make fun of in my next blog! Hahaha!

Please, title your blogs “Danny’s writing challenge” and leave the links to your stories here. I believe we will have a lot of fun together!

My dear friends, I always keep my word! I have promised you a funny contest and here it is! I “collected” the funniest mistakes I came across reading your blogs, comments and my personal correspondence and wrote many funny nightmare stories to make you laugh and realize what you say. However, if the authors want to compete, I can only help and encourage them! Hahaha!

So, here are 50 “best” mistakes that made me laugh and gave me inspiration. Now, I’d like each of you to choose 5 of them you find the funniest.

It would be really great if native speakers take part in voting and tell us what they feel or imagine reading these sentences and expressions. Depending on dialects we may accept some points differently. As a result of this contest, we will have three winners whose brightest expressions will be proposed to be made fun of in my next writing challenge. Besides, they will get my special gifts as usual. So, let’s get down to business! LOL!

1. “I tried my pants”. This mistake hadn’t been corrected until I said the correct answer. To TRY may mean to TASTE and I meant I put them on in the store before buying.
2. "If I had known there was the rain I might have taken an umbrella along" sounds very strange. It means I didn’t know it was raining that moment. How is it possible? Either I am blind and deaf or….? Besides, if I know it is raining I usually take an umbrella along with me.
3. I told about the car crash and it is obvious we all drove. One lady asked me,”Did you really run so fast to save her life or you ran that much fast as she was very pretty?” In fact, I was driving fast while my car was running.
4. “I recalled that I forgot my laptop in the car being parked far of the front door right after I have entered the building.” If I don’t even say about other mistakes, this sentence means that I parked my car after entering the building and I parked it far from the entrance door.
5. Here is my wrong sentence on the test “The pants I tried in the store were little long and I thought I have to shorten them”. My sentence is wrong and I have already explained TRY. But I am a scientist, I am not a tailor. I can’t shorten my pants myself. Here is the “correction” I like most of all: “I thought I would have them short.” Please, tell me why to buy any pants and have them altered in shorts? It is much cheaper and easier to buy shorts without any alterations!
6. “Having held the books for so long she felt her arms became numb and she dropped them on the floor.” Oh, man! I can’t even imagine a woman getting rid of her arms separating them from HER body and throwing them on the floor! It is worse than my nightmares!
7.  One of my female friends said I could hardy understand her as we are “of different orientation”. I do know what she meant but as a result she said that one of us is homosexual!
8. “She was wearing a blue shirt and white pant.” The word "pant" (singular) means short breath when a person breathes with short, quick breaths, typically from exertion or excitement. With the attribute "white" it may mean slight pant from excitement. Hahaha!
9. “To be in blue” means to wear blue clothing, but it may also mean people wearing blue uniform and first of all, the police.
10. “To be blue” may mean “to be depressed” or to be blue from cold, fear, etc.
11. “Sip a cip of coffee”. Sure, the author meant a cup of coffee. But let me tell you, we can’t sip a cup. We can sip only liquid.
12. The abbreviation CIP may mean either “a channel interface processor” (the idea I used in my story) or some term used in trade and shipment.
13. “To catch a nightmare”. We don’t catch our dreams, we just have them.
14. “You were a good teacher” will really sound good at my funeral, but I am still alive.
15. “I will see you in another life” would sound good if we had many lives. As a teacher, I will say it sounds OK if you believe in the reincarnation. But if you believe in life after death, it is THE OTHER life.
16. “A language is wide.” My dear learners, a language is not a street or a river. It can’t be wide. It can be rich, complicated, widely-used, etc.
17. “I won’t force my hands to open the notes.” Sure, the author wanted to say “I won’t tire my hands..” Well, we can say “force my hands” but it means different (read my story).
18. “I need to rest my brain.” Of, boy! What a strange desire! The author obviously wanted to say that her brain needed some rest but in fact, she said she had to bury her brain somewhere.
19. “Forget me in the present test.” Sorry, I don’t know how to do it! But in my next test I will surely mention some of the great expressions I learned yesterday.
20. “Was it your daytime nightmare?” We may see nightmares in the nighttime only, when we sleep. But sometimes the reality looks like a nightmare. In this case, it is a daymare.
21. “People can’t walk on the road sides if they are somewhere”. I don’t remember this sentence word for word but the author wanted to say there are no sidewalks for pedestrians on many streets in her city and if there is a sidewalk, it is impossible to walk there because it is blocked up or encumbered or very dirty. So, for those who still have some doubts I will explain. In the city/town are streets. Each street has a roadway for vehicles and a sidewalk/pavement for pedestrians. A road side on the street is a curb, a border between a roadway and a sidewalk. Sure, people can’t walk there as it is too narrow. Outside a city are roads or highways. Speaking about them, a road side means a shoulder of a road and people can walk there if they feel like walking on the dusty ground.
22. “A battle palm/leaves”.  What should I imagine reading it? I do imagine a very aggressive plant trying to put off with the humanity! Sure, the author meant a betel palm and its leaves/nuts.
23. “People are eaten leaves.” What a nightmare! Poor people! It makes me think that all the trees on our planet decided to take a revenge on us! Yes, they are right, we do deserve it! But I am sure that the author meant some people chew the leaves and nuts of the betel palm. Be aware of the passive voice!
24. “I am eating a branch.” NO, no! I don’t want to imagine an educated well-dressed lady eating a branch of a tree at business lunch! The meal we have between breakfast and lunch time is brunch.
25. “I am having a launch.” Sure, she meant “lunch” but I see a lady being put on orbit or launching me there!
26. “Don’t put off your shoes walking on the wet ground.” I am really thankful for care but I don’t know what I shouldn’t do with my shoes. For you to realize the humor, TO PUT OFF may mean: a) to postpone; b) to get rid of; c) to turn off (electricity); d) to spurn, to antagonize. Sure, she wanted to tell me not to take off my shoes walking on my flooded lot.
27. “I suffer from heal pain.” Let me say I don’t feel like making fun of that but…. First of all, TO HEAL is a verb and we can’t use it as an attribute. Besides, if a wound heals it doesn’t hurt any longer. I guess she wanted to say her heels hurtwhen she walks too long.
28. “My brother tried to eat us out.” Why not if you did something wrong although brothers are usually quite merciful to their sisters. To eat somebody out means to scold, to reprimand, to call down. In fact, the author tried to say that her brother wanted to take her and her family to the restaurant for dinner but it was raining heavily and the roads were flooded. So, the correct sentence is “My brother tried to take us out for dinner.”
29. “I think I passed the date of September.” First, let me ask the author what “the date of September” means. The date is some day. September is a month and I believe I haven’t told you anything new. I know she meant some particular date, September 30, that was the deadline for asking questions in that discussion and the correct sentence is “I think I didn’t meet September 30 deadline.” As to the verb TO PASS, it gives a lot of food to my imagination. I may think whatever I like. I’d like to think the month of September just slipped my mind.
30. “I munched the wafers brought by my hubby.” This sentence is grammatically correct. Americans say “waffles” but it is just AmE. However, I’d like you to know that TO MUNCH means to eat noisily first of all. Well, we all know we should eat noiseless if we want not to eat alone till the end of our days.
31. “A good jobholder.” This noun phrase is correct. It defines a good employee as opposite to a bad employee (unprofessional, lazy, irresponsible). But if we want to define a leader, we should say “a person who holds high post/executive position/top position.” I know, the author meant the director of some company.
32. “Comfortable work pressure.” My dear learners! Any work pressure is stressful, it can’t be comfortable. It may be easy, low,  etc.
33. “I am happy to be shopped.” It is one of my favorite! Sure, you all know when we shop for something we visit stores in order to find some particular stuff. If we go shopping, we go to the store(s) and buy what we need. So, if you use the passive voice (we never do it!) like “I am shopped” my fantasy generates a lot of different ideas. I am a slave who was bought at the slave market, I am a famous store often visited by many nice ladies or… I will refrain from telling more. LOL! As the author told me she had bought some nice wear that day, she should have said, “I am happy to have shopped today. ”
34. “I bought a new shoe.” Sure, we all know we can’t buy only one shoe.  If people are disable and have only one foot/leg, they have to buy a pair of shoes or shoes anyway.
35. “I was in a hurry so I just could wear my left shoe.” Hahaha!  We wear footwear all day long. Some people may forget to PUT both shoes ON and it will be really funny to see them walk on the streets wearing only one!
36. “Grab your shoes under the bed and wear them!” How to react to this command? You will know if you read my story. If we put something under the bed, we takeit from under it later.
37. “She always gives me wise decisions.” As a matter of fact, people are used to saying words of advice rarely followed. We usually listen to advice, analyze it and make up our mind.
38. A thief wanted to take away a lady’s locket but when he saw her wearing only one shoe he got astonished and asked “Where is your another pair?” Sure, the author meant “the other shoe” but it sounds like the thief wanted to steal all her footwear!
39. “Poor you are, did not your police hero buy her another pair of shoes?” Hahaha! Why should I feel pity on me in this case? We do say “Poor you!” or “Poor me!” feeling/showing our sympathy to others or taking pity on ourselves.
40. “Could not she manage new shoes without rubbing?” I have to admit that “rubbing” is OK speaking about footwear. But ladies try to break new shoes in, especially high-heeled before wearing them all day long . Besides, the negative question, together with “manage” makes my mind blow up!  Dear Bet, she couldn’t break in one shoe for sure!
41. “I have a shoe in one leg and another leg is bare.”Doesn’t it make you feel creepy all over? First of all, this creature has more than two legs and I can easily imagine some giant centipede, such a monster crawling along the street limping because of wearing only one shoe (nobody knows where) and very strange tights that leave one of her legs bare! Oh, man! And what has she done with the shoe? How did she manage to put it IN her leg? Did she have it implanted into her thigh, but why? Who is able to sleep after reading it? But for you to sleep well, I will explain the mistakes.

    a)  We put shoes on our feet. We have them on our feet. A foot is the lower extremity of a leg below the ankle. A leg is a limb from a hip to toes.

    b)  People have only two legs and two feet. So, speaking about two things/people and having said something about one of them, we should say “the other” mentioning the second.

42. “You worn out your skeleton sweet shirt.” My friends, I am sure I can’t wear out any clothes if I put them on once or twice.  Besides, the past participle makes me think what it was worn out by someone else. I wish my sweatshirt smelled sweet after my training in the gym! I guess, the author wanted to say that I put on my sweatshirt going to the Halloween party. She should have said something like this: “You put on your scaring sweatshirt going to the party”.
43.  “There were crowds of the turkeys on the table.”  I think they were all alive and were dancing on the table! Why not to say “there were many roasted turkeys”?
44. “Going here and there for food (Jeopardy question).” Please, tell me what can I think reading it? I will tell you. A) I eat out here and there and it makes me feel good. B) I go here and there begging for food and it makes me feel miserable. However, our author meant “forage”, i.e., searching widely for food or provisions.
45. “I don’t want to make my favorite teacher mood off.” My dear learners, TO MAKE OFF means to leave hurriedly, especially in order to avoid duty or punishment, to escape. We speak so about people. On the other hand, someone or something can spoil our good mood. Our good mood can change, disappear, vanish.  So, the author should have said something like this: “ I don’t want to spoil my teacher’s mood.”
46. “He is sleeping on the coach (said about me).” My dear ladies, WHY? Why do you try to change my traditional orientation again? LOL! My coach is a nice 30 year old man but I have no desire to sleep with him in one bed! I LOVE WOMEN although one of them tells me to sleep on the couch from time to time and I always buy myself very comfortable couches just in case! Hahaha!
47. “Women need their hubbies to throw fry pans on their heads.” It is a very interesting interpretation of men-and-women relationship! However, let me ask the author whose heads are expected to be broken? This sentence lets me think what I like.  Of course, being a lady, the author meant our heads but it is not clear at all. To make things clear, I would say, “Any woman sometimes needs to hit someone’s head with a frying pan and she prefers it to be her hubby’s to avoid a court examination.” LOL!
48.  “Please, excuse a stupid unconscious woman.” Sure, my dear! I can’t see unconscious women! I immediately try to help them come to! But I’d like to know what has happened with that poor lady. Did she faint because she had realized her stupidness? Did she write her letters without knowing what she was doing? Does she need a shrink? So, it is me who needs explanations! Hahaha!
49. “I know who is the main provisor of mistakes.” Just for you to know a provisor is a holder of provision. This word is originally from the Middle Ages and is almost out-of-date. The author meant a person who inspires my writing. So, we can say this person is a supplier or a provider.
50. “She had been unjusty fated to wear this title.” First of all, we don’t WEAR our names. We wear what we put on and take off. Our parents give us names after (or before) our birth. Later, we may change our names or be called somehow differently. We may choose or get nicknames. But we don’t WEAR our names or nicknames. In his blog the author meant unfair labeling. So, he should have said something like: “She has been unfairly labeled as a…”

I, as well as all learners, would really appreciate native speakers’ participation and comments. Let's have some fun!

Have a great Sunday night!

Hahaha!

So, I am ready to tell you the winning expressions. They are:

6. “Having held the books for so long she felt her arms became numb and she dropped them on the floor.” 

41. “I have a shoe in one leg and another leg is bare.”

46. “He is sleeping on the coach (said about me).”

These mistakes have been choosen by you as the most interesting and funny. However, I can't help adding a few more great expressions that gathered a lot of your votes.

18. “I need to rest my brain.” 

43. “There were crowds of the turkeys on the table.”

48. “Please, excuse a stupid unconscious woman.” 

Now I will correct all these mistakes trying to do my best.

6. “Having held the books for so long she dropped them on the floor feeling her arms getting numb” 

41. “I am wearing only one shoe while the other feet of mine is bare.”

46. “He is sleeping on the couch.”

18. “My brain needs some rest.” 

43. “There were a lot of dead turkeys on the table.” (It was a Halloween nightmare!)

48. “Please, excuse a stupid irresponsible/unenlightened woman.” (I do know what my correspondent wanted to say and she wanted to sound humorous).

So, as a result we have 6 winning expressions and I'd like to start a funny writing challenge. But before I post the blog, I'd like to know your opinion. If you think it is too much for us to make fun of the same mistakes, I will just look for others. But I do know if I start this challenge, I will get so many great "pearls" for my collection! Hahaha!

Hi, my dear learners, my true friends! Who else can give me such inspiration?! I should have posted this blog much earlier but you know, all my nightmares are the result of your mistakes. I just couldn’t think up the plot without your help. But I am ready to tell you a great story if you don’t mind reading my explanations. So, here is what I learned from you.

1.“You worn out your skeleton sweet shirt.” My friends, I am sure I can’t wear out any clothes if I put them on once or twice. I wish my sweatshirt smelled sweet after my training in the gym! I guess, the author wanted to say that I put on my sweatshirt going to the Halloween party. She should have said something like this: “You put on your scaring sweatshirt going to the party”.

2. “There were crowds of the turkeys on the table.”  I think they were all alive and were dancing on the table! Why not to say “there were many roasted turkeys”? 

3.“Going here and there for food (Jeopardy question).” Please, tell me what can I think reading it? I will tell you. A) I eat out here and there and it makes me feel good. B) I go here and there begging for food and it makes me feel miserable. However, our author meant “forage”, i.e., searching widely for food or provisions.

4. “I don’t want to make my favorite teacher mood off.” My dear learners, TO MAKE OFF means to leave hurriedly, especially in order to avoid duty or punishment, to escape. We speak so about people. On the other hand, someone or something can spoil our good mood. Our good mood can change, disappear, vanish.  So, the author should have said something like this: “ I don’t want to spoil my teacher’s mood.”

5. “He is sleeping on the coach (said about me).” My dear ladies, WHY? Why do you try to change my traditional orientation again? LOL! My coach is a nice 30 year old man but I have no desire to sleep with him in one bed! I LOVE WOMEN although one of them tells me to sleep on the couch from time to time and I always buy myself very comfortable couches just in case! Hahaha!

6. “Women need their hubbies to throw fry pans on their heads.” It is a very interesting interpretation of men-and-women relationship! However, let me ask the author whose heads are expected to be broken? This sentence lets me think what I like.  Of course, being a lady, the author meant our heads but it is not clear at all. To make things clear, I would say, “Any woman sometimes needs to hit someone’s head with a frying pan and she prefers it to be her hubby’s to avoid a court examination.” LOL!

7.  “Please, excuse a stupid unconscious woman.” Sure, my dear! I can’t see unconscious women! I immediately try to help them come to! But I’d like to know what has happened with that poor lady. Did she faint because she had realized her stupidness? Did she write her letters without knowing what she was doing? Does she need a shrink? So, it is me who needs explanations! Hahaha!

And now, here is my new nightmare story. Enjoy!

I woke up and felt a horrible headache. I realized I had slept about four hours and was suffering from a hangover after the Halloween party. By the force of habit, I turned on my left side trying to find a can of beer and a cigarette on my bedside table but there was none!

“What’s the hell?” I thought. “Do I have to get up to bring myself beer from the fridge? Where is my wife?” I habitually looked at the right but…instead of my wife there lay my drunk coach from the gym!

“Well,” I thought, “The party turned out well! This monster must have had all the beer my wife had left for me not to suffer!”

My good mood started vanishing.  However, I could not agree: the party had to go on!  I started chasing my good mood but it turned out not to be easy to do!

First, I asked my dog to find and bring my sleepers but she rushed away howling followed by all my cats and a parrot.

“Never mind!”  I thought. “It is Florida, it is always hot here.” But when I put my bare feet on the floor, I realized it was not Florida at all. The floor was icily cold! Anyway, I needed some beer and I made my way to the kitchen. When I managed to get there and opened the fridge, I could hardly believe my own eyes: the fridge was empty and clean! There was NOTHING inside and I thought my wife had left me all alone to suffer again.

But I was already in chase of my good mood and nothing could stop me, even my empty fridge! I opened the front door and rushed out looking for some new adventure. If it was Florida, it looked really strange.  The day was just breaking although there were already many people walking the streets speaking some strange language I turned out to understand. Yellow-red leaves were falling down covering the sidewalks with a wonderful , soft, rustling carpet giving off unforgettable smell of fall.

“What wind brought me here? Where am I?” I thought but headed to the nearest store hoping to get at least a few cans of beer without waiting in a line. I thought there would be no buyers and enough drinks for a thirsty man at such an early hour but … not that morning! Hardly had I neared the store when I saw a crowd of thirsty people fighting for what had remained! I made my way through the crowd, grabbed the last can of beer and ran away realizing the possibility of holdup. It was not Florida for sure!

I stopped somewhere in the park away from the store and started sipping my beer feeling better and better with each next shot.  But feeling of thirst was suddenly replaced by feeling of hunger. I recalled not eating for long and decided to go here and there begging for food as my wallet had been stolen during my fight for the last can of beer. I have to admit eating only caviar and smoked salmon on hangover. But the situation was going to become critical and I decided I would eat at least a sandwich with ham, cheese and a pickle for a change.  So, I started knocking on the doors but there was no reaction. Either everybody slept or had left, I thought. But all of a sudden, the door opened and I saw a strange woman looking at me silently and very suspiciously. When she seemed to be satisfied with her observations, she said,

“Look at yourself! You are walking barefooted late fall. You are having on a scaring, torn, old sweatshirt. You are reeking of alcohol. You are knocking on the doors begging for food! Are you OK, guy? You have scared all the people in the neighborhood!”

“Dear lady, ” I replied, “It is Halloween. People must scare each other.” The expression of her face made me think she had no idea about that holiday but she replied,

“Well, you look so exhausted and frozen! You must be homeless and hungry. Come in and get warm. I will make you a sandwich with ham, cheese and pickles.”

“Oh, man!” I thought, “How come I became homeless unemployed beggar without a penny in my pockets during one night?! What has happened to my well-organized life?! And how come she knows I want a pickle?!” But I felt warmth and smell of food coming from behind the door and I entered her house. She showed me into the kitchen but when I looked around… I saw the crowds of turkeys performing courtship display on her kitchen table although it was not Thanksgiving Day! I saw a vat with some gurgling steaming potion giving off sickening stench!

“She is a witch, too!” I thought. “Living with one of them is quite enough for me! I don’t want to be warmed, fed and poisoned by another!”

And I ran away as fast as I could! But I was starving and had to eat something. As my new sweatshirt was already torn and worn out, I decided to eat it up. At least, cotton is an organic matter. I bit off a small piece and it turned out to be so sweet! I thought I would never buy candies any longer. I would work in the gym and eat my sweatshirts for dessert!

Finally, I was able to get home hoping to see my wife with her arms open but… I saw her lying on the floor unconscious. A note on the table said:

“Darling, if you really love me, I ask you to hit your head with a hot frying pan as hard as you can. I’d like you to land right by my side so that we could spend at least some time together.”

I started heating the frying pan thinking:

“Why not to buy an air ticket to Washington DC where it is still warm and where English speaking  people are aware of Halloween tricks and Thanksgiving turkeys.”

But I immediately recalled travelling by Air Ukraine on a plane full of native Ukrainians trying to speak English and realized my nightmares are not going to end if I even leave this sinful earth!

HAHAHAHA!