ESL Blogs

Hi, my friends! My overconfident teacher’s and writer’s nature prompts you may be missing my nightmare stories I haven’t posted for rather long. Fortunately, you have done your best supplying me with your great masterpieces I am going to base my story on. However, let’s see what great expressions you have managed to invent.
1. “Our brains have come back.” The question is where they have been. Have they taken a walk or been buried in the forest I saw in my last dream? Most probably, they decided to go for Christmas vacation! Why not? LOL! So, the author should have said something like this: “Our brains are back” or “We are already able to use/involve our brains” or…
2. “A depilated house”. Oh, man! What a nightmare! Can you imagine that house before depilation?! Just for you to know TO DEPILATE means to remove hair from a skin. In fact, that house was abandoned and destroyed.
3. “She was dropped at my place.” I always tell you to think about the passive voice. If you use it incorrectly, the meaning of a sentence may change dramatically! It is my sentence from the last test and it was clear that a woman came to see me. So, the author should have said “She dropped in at (into) my place”.
4. “In our apartment we have a water heater in a powder room.” For you all to know, a powder room is a ladies’ room, mostly at public places because only women say “I have to powder my nose” when they need to visit a toilet. As far as I know, the author is married and lives together with her husband, father and daughter. So, what should I think? It sounds like males’ discrimination! The ladies have hot running water in their bathroom but the men don’t and have to harden themselves taking a cold shower! So, in our apartments and houses are BATHROOMS and, as usual, a couple has a common bathroom.
5. “We have to think about pricing electricity.” My dear learners! We don’t price our utilities! They are priced by others and we pay our utility bills.
6. “There is no AC or heating at our schools and universities.” I realize there may not be heating in a tropical country as I have been living in Florida for many years. But AC means alternating current first of all. Sure, it may mean any electric device/unite or air conditioning or something else. But whatever it means in this sentence, the first idea striking my mind is power supply. Any educational institution can’t do without it. Besides, if it is a country with a hot climate, there must be conditioning. I can only imagine poor kids and teens gasping and sweating during a hot season and shivering during winter months staying in the dark classrooms! LOL!
Now, let’s see what a nightmare I am able to see.

I woke up lying in a back yard. It was not mine! There was no well-mowed green grass around, there was no my dog or cats or crazy parrot. I tried to rub my eyes and saw my wounded hands covered with dirt. I looked around and saw a fire with a boiling kettle hanging over it. The smoke smelled offensive!
“What’s that?” I though as I knew burning wood smelled nice and pleasant. But I went on looking around trying to realize where I was. The night was falling but the tiny shading of firelight limned dark contours of a house nearby and the familiar outline of a city was still seen in some distance in the dusk. I was not far from my city but my hands and face were so dirty that I had to wash them before making my way home. I got up from the ground and neared the house hoping to be let in. The windows were not lighted but I thought if the kettle was boiling there must have been someone who had put it on. I came over, stumbled and leaned against the wall trying not to fall down. The wall felt HAIRY like my male cat! I thought, “I am sleeping for sure! Walls can’t be hairy!” but I felt freezing and willing to visit a bathroom!
So, I walked around the house and knocked on the front door. To my great surprise, the door opened and I saw a well-dressed woman and a cute girl standing in the doorway. They looked very friendly and I dared to ask (very politely) if they would let me in wash my face and hands in their bathroom and get warm a little. But the woman replied with a charming smile:
“Sorry, sir! There is neither heating nor hot water nor power supply nor gas in our house. Besides, there is only a powder room for ladies and we can’t let you use it. You are a man and should satisfy your needs outside.”
I was more than surprised! But the girl suddenly said,
“Come in, I will let you visit my bathroom.” I entered the dark house and felt my way to the bathroom. The water was icy but I washed off the dirt and blood. The cute girl lighted a candle, cleansed my wounds, bandaged my hands, kissed me on the cheek and I couldn’t help kissing her back! She made tea smelling nauseating and made me have it. I was ready to go home but I couldn’t leave without asking some questions! So, I asked the woman to tell me at least something about their lifestyle. First of all, I was interested in their having no power supply as I saw electric wires not far from there. I also wanted to know what was burning in the fire smelling so sickening! Why was the house hairy? But I started asking about her daughter trying to soften her up. I said,
“Your daughter is so great and cute! You are a model mother!” But she replied,
“She is not my daughter. This girl was dropped at my door many years ago. She didn’t know her parents and I decided to foster her. I treat her as my child and she is really cute!”
It was a good start. I took courage and asked about electricity and gas.
The lady replied, “We don’t price utilities and have to think about the bills, dear stranger! We would rather live in the dark and shiver than pay such a high price!” And I thought I was sleeping and dreaming! But I couldn’t help asking why her house was so hairy. She replied with tears in her eyes,
“You see, I have been single for so many years! Nobody has taken good care of the house and it seems to have reacted. Its walls started getting hairy but we decided that the hair would protect us from freezing and it does! When it is very cold, we make a fire of dry cow dung where we also cook.”
I was astonished and dumbfounded. What century was it? But I still saw the skyscrapers of my city on the horizon. Anyway, I went on:
“You are such a nice lady! Why not to find a right man?”
She started crying bitterly.
“Any man who comes to my house can’t stand my housing conditions and either leaves or dies or suicides. Aren’t you feeling like that?”
Everything went dark before my eyes. I felt my brains leaving me willing to take a walk and to give me some rest! I thought, “This poor woman needs emergency aid and her house needs depilating!” My legs gave away, I fell down, fainted and… woke up!
I immediately rolled out of the bed, switched on the light and it went on! I rushed to the bathroom, turned on the faucet and the hot water started running! I looked at the shelf and saw my shaver. My towel hung on the rail next to my wife’s. It looked like we still had the common bathroom! I went to the kitchen, put the kettle on the stove, turned on gas and heard the habitual sound which was like music that morning! I made a cup of coffee and went out to the porch to look at the walls of my house. To my great relief, the walls were clean, smooth and sleek. But something still disturbed my mind and I recalled the lady’s words:” Nobody has taken good care of the house and it seems to have reacted.” I recalled not visiting my parents’ house for rather long, called the Air Agency and booked a ticket to Boston.