ESL Blogs

My dear friends, I always keep my word! I have promised you a funny contest and here it is! I “collected” the funniest mistakes I came across reading your blogs, comments and my personal correspondence and wrote many funny nightmare stories to make you laugh and realize what you say. However, if the authors want to compete, I can only help and encourage them! Hahaha!

So, here are 50 “best” mistakes that made me laugh and gave me inspiration. Now, I’d like each of you to choose 5 of them you find the funniest.

It would be really great if native speakers take part in voting and tell us what they feel or imagine reading these sentences and expressions. Depending on dialects we may accept some points differently. As a result of this contest, we will have three winners whose brightest expressions will be proposed to be made fun of in my next writing challenge. Besides, they will get my special gifts as usual. So, let’s get down to business! LOL!

1. “I tried my pants”. This mistake hadn’t been corrected until I said the correct answer. To TRY may mean to TASTE and I meant I put them on in the store before buying.
2. "If I had known there was the rain I might have taken an umbrella along" sounds very strange. It means I didn’t know it was raining that moment. How is it possible? Either I am blind and deaf or….? Besides, if I know it is raining I usually take an umbrella along with me.
3. I told about the car crash and it is obvious we all drove. One lady asked me,”Did you really run so fast to save her life or you ran that much fast as she was very pretty?” In fact, I was driving fast while my car was running.
4. “I recalled that I forgot my laptop in the car being parked far of the front door right after I have entered the building.” If I don’t even say about other mistakes, this sentence means that I parked my car after entering the building and I parked it far from the entrance door.
5. Here is my wrong sentence on the test “The pants I tried in the store were little long and I thought I have to shorten them”. My sentence is wrong and I have already explained TRY. But I am a scientist, I am not a tailor. I can’t shorten my pants myself. Here is the “correction” I like most of all: “I thought I would have them short.” Please, tell me why to buy any pants and have them altered in shorts? It is much cheaper and easier to buy shorts without any alterations!
6. “Having held the books for so long she felt her arms became numb and she dropped them on the floor.” Oh, man! I can’t even imagine a woman getting rid of her arms separating them from HER body and throwing them on the floor! It is worse than my nightmares!
7.  One of my female friends said I could hardy understand her as we are “of different orientation”. I do know what she meant but as a result she said that one of us is homosexual!
8. “She was wearing a blue shirt and white pant.” The word "pant" (singular) means short breath when a person breathes with short, quick breaths, typically from exertion or excitement. With the attribute "white" it may mean slight pant from excitement. Hahaha!
9. “To be in blue” means to wear blue clothing, but it may also mean people wearing blue uniform and first of all, the police.
10. “To be blue” may mean “to be depressed” or to be blue from cold, fear, etc.
11. “Sip a cip of coffee”. Sure, the author meant a cup of coffee. But let me tell you, we can’t sip a cup. We can sip only liquid.
12. The abbreviation CIP may mean either “a channel interface processor” (the idea I used in my story) or some term used in trade and shipment.
13. “To catch a nightmare”. We don’t catch our dreams, we just have them.
14. “You were a good teacher” will really sound good at my funeral, but I am still alive.
15. “I will see you in another life” would sound good if we had many lives. As a teacher, I will say it sounds OK if you believe in the reincarnation. But if you believe in life after death, it is THE OTHER life.
16. “A language is wide.” My dear learners, a language is not a street or a river. It can’t be wide. It can be rich, complicated, widely-used, etc.
17. “I won’t force my hands to open the notes.” Sure, the author wanted to say “I won’t tire my hands..” Well, we can say “force my hands” but it means different (read my story).
18. “I need to rest my brain.” Of, boy! What a strange desire! The author obviously wanted to say that her brain needed some rest but in fact, she said she had to bury her brain somewhere.
19. “Forget me in the present test.” Sorry, I don’t know how to do it! But in my next test I will surely mention some of the great expressions I learned yesterday.
20. “Was it your daytime nightmare?” We may see nightmares in the nighttime only, when we sleep. But sometimes the reality looks like a nightmare. In this case, it is a daymare.
21. “People can’t walk on the road sides if they are somewhere”. I don’t remember this sentence word for word but the author wanted to say there are no sidewalks for pedestrians on many streets in her city and if there is a sidewalk, it is impossible to walk there because it is blocked up or encumbered or very dirty. So, for those who still have some doubts I will explain. In the city/town are streets. Each street has a roadway for vehicles and a sidewalk/pavement for pedestrians. A road side on the street is a curb, a border between a roadway and a sidewalk. Sure, people can’t walk there as it is too narrow. Outside a city are roads or highways. Speaking about them, a road side means a shoulder of a road and people can walk there if they feel like walking on the dusty ground.
22. “A battle palm/leaves”.  What should I imagine reading it? I do imagine a very aggressive plant trying to put off with the humanity! Sure, the author meant a betel palm and its leaves/nuts.
23. “People are eaten leaves.” What a nightmare! Poor people! It makes me think that all the trees on our planet decided to take a revenge on us! Yes, they are right, we do deserve it! But I am sure that the author meant some people chew the leaves and nuts of the betel palm. Be aware of the passive voice!
24. “I am eating a branch.” NO, no! I don’t want to imagine an educated well-dressed lady eating a branch of a tree at business lunch! The meal we have between breakfast and lunch time is brunch.
25. “I am having a launch.” Sure, she meant “lunch” but I see a lady being put on orbit or launching me there!
26. “Don’t put off your shoes walking on the wet ground.” I am really thankful for care but I don’t know what I shouldn’t do with my shoes. For you to realize the humor, TO PUT OFF may mean: a) to postpone; b) to get rid of; c) to turn off (electricity); d) to spurn, to antagonize. Sure, she wanted to tell me not to take off my shoes walking on my flooded lot.
27. “I suffer from heal pain.” Let me say I don’t feel like making fun of that but…. First of all, TO HEAL is a verb and we can’t use it as an attribute. Besides, if a wound heals it doesn’t hurt any longer. I guess she wanted to say her heels hurtwhen she walks too long.
28. “My brother tried to eat us out.” Why not if you did something wrong although brothers are usually quite merciful to their sisters. To eat somebody out means to scold, to reprimand, to call down. In fact, the author tried to say that her brother wanted to take her and her family to the restaurant for dinner but it was raining heavily and the roads were flooded. So, the correct sentence is “My brother tried to take us out for dinner.”
29. “I think I passed the date of September.” First, let me ask the author what “the date of September” means. The date is some day. September is a month and I believe I haven’t told you anything new. I know she meant some particular date, September 30, that was the deadline for asking questions in that discussion and the correct sentence is “I think I didn’t meet September 30 deadline.” As to the verb TO PASS, it gives a lot of food to my imagination. I may think whatever I like. I’d like to think the month of September just slipped my mind.
30. “I munched the wafers brought by my hubby.” This sentence is grammatically correct. Americans say “waffles” but it is just AmE. However, I’d like you to know that TO MUNCH means to eat noisily first of all. Well, we all know we should eat noiseless if we want not to eat alone till the end of our days.
31. “A good jobholder.” This noun phrase is correct. It defines a good employee as opposite to a bad employee (unprofessional, lazy, irresponsible). But if we want to define a leader, we should say “a person who holds high post/executive position/top position.” I know, the author meant the director of some company.
32. “Comfortable work pressure.” My dear learners! Any work pressure is stressful, it can’t be comfortable. It may be easy, low,  etc.
33. “I am happy to be shopped.” It is one of my favorite! Sure, you all know when we shop for something we visit stores in order to find some particular stuff. If we go shopping, we go to the store(s) and buy what we need. So, if you use the passive voice (we never do it!) like “I am shopped” my fantasy generates a lot of different ideas. I am a slave who was bought at the slave market, I am a famous store often visited by many nice ladies or… I will refrain from telling more. LOL! As the author told me she had bought some nice wear that day, she should have said, “I am happy to have shopped today. ”
34. “I bought a new shoe.” Sure, we all know we can’t buy only one shoe.  If people are disable and have only one foot/leg, they have to buy a pair of shoes or shoes anyway.
35. “I was in a hurry so I just could wear my left shoe.” Hahaha!  We wear footwear all day long. Some people may forget to PUT both shoes ON and it will be really funny to see them walk on the streets wearing only one!
36. “Grab your shoes under the bed and wear them!” How to react to this command? You will know if you read my story. If we put something under the bed, we takeit from under it later.
37. “She always gives me wise decisions.” As a matter of fact, people are used to saying words of advice rarely followed. We usually listen to advice, analyze it and make up our mind.
38. A thief wanted to take away a lady’s locket but when he saw her wearing only one shoe he got astonished and asked “Where is your another pair?” Sure, the author meant “the other shoe” but it sounds like the thief wanted to steal all her footwear!
39. “Poor you are, did not your police hero buy her another pair of shoes?” Hahaha! Why should I feel pity on me in this case? We do say “Poor you!” or “Poor me!” feeling/showing our sympathy to others or taking pity on ourselves.
40. “Could not she manage new shoes without rubbing?” I have to admit that “rubbing” is OK speaking about footwear. But ladies try to break new shoes in, especially high-heeled before wearing them all day long . Besides, the negative question, together with “manage” makes my mind blow up!  Dear Bet, she couldn’t break in one shoe for sure!
41. “I have a shoe in one leg and another leg is bare.”Doesn’t it make you feel creepy all over? First of all, this creature has more than two legs and I can easily imagine some giant centipede, such a monster crawling along the street limping because of wearing only one shoe (nobody knows where) and very strange tights that leave one of her legs bare! Oh, man! And what has she done with the shoe? How did she manage to put it IN her leg? Did she have it implanted into her thigh, but why? Who is able to sleep after reading it? But for you to sleep well, I will explain the mistakes.

    a)  We put shoes on our feet. We have them on our feet. A foot is the lower extremity of a leg below the ankle. A leg is a limb from a hip to toes.

    b)  People have only two legs and two feet. So, speaking about two things/people and having said something about one of them, we should say “the other” mentioning the second.

42. “You worn out your skeleton sweet shirt.” My friends, I am sure I can’t wear out any clothes if I put them on once or twice.  Besides, the past participle makes me think what it was worn out by someone else. I wish my sweatshirt smelled sweet after my training in the gym! I guess, the author wanted to say that I put on my sweatshirt going to the Halloween party. She should have said something like this: “You put on your scaring sweatshirt going to the party”.
43.  “There were crowds of the turkeys on the table.”  I think they were all alive and were dancing on the table! Why not to say “there were many roasted turkeys”?
44. “Going here and there for food (Jeopardy question).” Please, tell me what can I think reading it? I will tell you. A) I eat out here and there and it makes me feel good. B) I go here and there begging for food and it makes me feel miserable. However, our author meant “forage”, i.e., searching widely for food or provisions.
45. “I don’t want to make my favorite teacher mood off.” My dear learners, TO MAKE OFF means to leave hurriedly, especially in order to avoid duty or punishment, to escape. We speak so about people. On the other hand, someone or something can spoil our good mood. Our good mood can change, disappear, vanish.  So, the author should have said something like this: “ I don’t want to spoil my teacher’s mood.”
46. “He is sleeping on the coach (said about me).” My dear ladies, WHY? Why do you try to change my traditional orientation again? LOL! My coach is a nice 30 year old man but I have no desire to sleep with him in one bed! I LOVE WOMEN although one of them tells me to sleep on the couch from time to time and I always buy myself very comfortable couches just in case! Hahaha!
47. “Women need their hubbies to throw fry pans on their heads.” It is a very interesting interpretation of men-and-women relationship! However, let me ask the author whose heads are expected to be broken? This sentence lets me think what I like.  Of course, being a lady, the author meant our heads but it is not clear at all. To make things clear, I would say, “Any woman sometimes needs to hit someone’s head with a frying pan and she prefers it to be her hubby’s to avoid a court examination.” LOL!
48.  “Please, excuse a stupid unconscious woman.” Sure, my dear! I can’t see unconscious women! I immediately try to help them come to! But I’d like to know what has happened with that poor lady. Did she faint because she had realized her stupidness? Did she write her letters without knowing what she was doing? Does she need a shrink? So, it is me who needs explanations! Hahaha!
49. “I know who is the main provisor of mistakes.” Just for you to know a provisor is a holder of provision. This word is originally from the Middle Ages and is almost out-of-date. The author meant a person who inspires my writing. So, we can say this person is a supplier or a provider.
50. “She had been unjusty fated to wear this title.” First of all, we don’t WEAR our names. We wear what we put on and take off. Our parents give us names after (or before) our birth. Later, we may change our names or be called somehow differently. We may choose or get nicknames. But we don’t WEAR our names or nicknames. In his blog the author meant unfair labeling. So, he should have said something like: “She has been unfairly labeled as a…”

I, as well as all learners, would really appreciate native speakers’ participation and comments. Let's have some fun!

Have a great Sunday night!

Hahaha!

So, I am ready to tell you the winning expressions. They are:

6. “Having held the books for so long she felt her arms became numb and she dropped them on the floor.” 

41. “I have a shoe in one leg and another leg is bare.”

46. “He is sleeping on the coach (said about me).”

These mistakes have been choosen by you as the most interesting and funny. However, I can't help adding a few more great expressions that gathered a lot of your votes.

18. “I need to rest my brain.” 

43. “There were crowds of the turkeys on the table.”

48. “Please, excuse a stupid unconscious woman.” 

Now I will correct all these mistakes trying to do my best.

6. “Having held the books for so long she dropped them on the floor feeling her arms getting numb” 

41. “I am wearing only one shoe while the other feet of mine is bare.”

46. “He is sleeping on the couch.”

18. “My brain needs some rest.” 

43. “There were a lot of dead turkeys on the table.” (It was a Halloween nightmare!)

48. “Please, excuse a stupid irresponsible/unenlightened woman.” (I do know what my correspondent wanted to say and she wanted to sound humorous).

So, as a result we have 6 winning expressions and I'd like to start a funny writing challenge. But before I post the blog, I'd like to know your opinion. If you think it is too much for us to make fun of the same mistakes, I will just look for others. But I do know if I start this challenge, I will get so many great "pearls" for my collection! Hahaha!