Short Jokes

 The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

***

 Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. Submitted by Bob Waldman

**

 A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language." Submitted by BH LEE

**

 My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?" (Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)

**

 The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...' I use this joke for retelling in reported speech. Submitted by: Adriana Luchetti

**

 A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" Submitted by Sean McLoughlin

**

 Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini

**

 Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please! Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico

**  Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

(Use as an example of a sexist joke.) Submitted by Tomoyuki Noda from Japan

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.


A tourist complimented the local fishermen
on the quality of their fish and asked
how long it took him to catch them.
.



"Not very long." they answered in unison.


"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"


The fishermen explained that their small catches were
sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.


"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"


"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children,
and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.

"

We have a full life."




The tourist interrupted,



"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants
and maybe even open your own plant.
"

You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico Cit y , Los Angeles , or even New York City !


From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."



"How long would that take?"


"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.



"And after that?"



"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.



"After that you'll be able to retire,
live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children,
catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
"

"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:

 some times we find the happy but not all the time

some times we scare about the happy becase
 

no one know about the faet

and no ono know what happen nexst day

we arent happy evry time

but evry time we are sad in our said

we are cry evry night

and we are hut the life but we must be live in the life

becuse the dreams the wish and the love

about me Iwant to live becuse Ilove me felles in my heart

.A son and his father were walking on the mountains"
"!!!Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh
:To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain
"!!!AAAhhhhhhhhhhh"
"?Curious, he yells: "Who are you
"?He receives the answer: "Who are you
"!And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you
"!The voice answers: "I admire you
"!Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward
"!He receives the answer: "Coward
"?He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on
".The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention
"!Again the man screams: "You are a champion
"!The voice answers: "You are a champion
.The boy is surprised, but does not understand
.Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE
.It gives you back everything you say or do
.Our life is simply a reflection of our actions
.If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart
.If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence
;This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life
".Life will give you back everything you have given to it

"!YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU

A woman came out of her house and saw three old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."

Is the man of the house in home?" they asked
 No", she replied. "He's out ."
"Then we cannot come in", they replied .
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened
"Go tell them I am in home and invite them in."
The woman went out and invited the men in .
"We do not go into a House together!" they replied .

"Why is that?" she asked .

One of the old men explained : "His name is Wealth," he said as pointing to one of his friends, and said, pointing to another one , "He is Success, and I am Love ." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home ."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed . "How nice!" he said . "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth !"

His wife disagreed . "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"


Their daughterinlaw was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion : "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love ."


"Let us heed/follow our daughterinlaw's advice," said the husband to his wife !
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest.


The woman went out and asked the three old men , "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest ."


Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other two also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love ; Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together : "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success.

There was a boy who was always losing his

temper. His father gave him a bag full of

nails and said to him, “My son, I want you

to hammer a nail into our garden fence

every time you need to direct your anger

against something and you lose your temper

So the son started to follow his father’s

advice. On the first day he hammered in 37

nails, but getting the nails into the fence

was not easy, so he started trying to

control himself when he got angry. As the

days went by, he was hammering in less

nails, and within weeks he was able to

control himself and was able to refrain

from getting angry and from hammering

nails. He came to his father and told him

what he had achieved. His father was happy

with his efforts and said to him: “But now,

my son, you have to take out a nail for

every day that you do not get angry.”
The son started to take out the nails for

each day that he did not get angry, until

there were no nails left in the fence.
He came to his father and told him what he

had achieved. His father took him to the

fence and said, “My son, you have done

well, but look at these holes in the fence.

This fence will never be the same again.”

Then he added: “When you say things in a

state of anger, they leave marks like these

holes on the hearts of others. You can stab

a person and withdraw the knife but it

doesn’t matter how many times you say ‘I’m


sorry,’ because the wound will remain