I am going to give you a warning before all, this only contain all my inflexible feelings

My heart keeps beating like crazy bringing me into an immense of anxiety. It doesn’t feel alright these recent days. Something was stuck inside my gorge like a clump that resists my breathing, and it feels hard to inflate my chest. I am not well. I know I am not fine. What has brought me to this state? What kind of past has led me to this way where now I often found myself off, deflated, and down.

…

I made up this story…

Once, I roamed the streets looking for a release. Just walking. I had no exact direction of where to bring my feet to. I was merely walking aimlessly under the calming cold which comforted me inside my sweater. My hands were nearly frozen. They almost turned into ice block from the sharp cold. It wasn’t a comforting cold but a freezing cold.

Indeed, my heart felt a bit at ease. I heard cold has this nice hypoesthesia upshot where it makes your nerve ending felt like numb. Hmm… at least I could feel my heart felt like numb. The heartache faded for a bit. In turn, my body got stiff.

I ended my wandering on a wood bench watching every shadow passed through my sight until I sensed a warm beside me, only few inches away. I took a slight glance just to capture smiling eyes were staring at me, too short glance to see the color of his eyes.

I announced my inflexible way of socializing by staying quiet and refusing his offer to converse. I felt like I hadn’t recorded his voice inside my parietal lobes. His voice traveled and poked my Wernicke’s area to process his low deep voice. I resisted it so much and I lost. I eventually turned my head to take a look of how he was. The atmosphere suffocated me so much. It was an awkward bump with stranger who seemed friendly and tried to befriend me.

His eyes radiated warmth filling up my vacant heart. Seems like competing with the blood running through the veins. No wonder, I felt a bit breathless, a little hypoxia? He blocked the bloods to enter my heart and occupied its every chamber with his charms. This should be kidding. It was just because my sympathetic nerves were triggered and my heart started beating too fast before my blood abled to get in. If it was my sympathetic nerves, why my face felt like burning and turned into a grilled crab?

…

I was so imperceptible but that brief encounter had somewhat gave me a new feeling. Nothing could describe. I am trying to open up little by little following my curiosities. I ended falling in love in thing I never thought before.

I had resisted for thousands times but now it even goes further to every space exist inside my cell.

How does it feel to be rejected by thing you have put your heart into it?

Hurt.

No kidding.

Hurt.

The sky shows its mystery, sometimes with dark and sure the storm. I believe, there have been more than thousand pieces of leaf surrendered to the wind, no longer able to hold the twigs which also seemed to just wish to die...

The rainy days will soon give up, I wish. Although the winds weren't ready to quit yet, but I'm sure the warm twilight will quickly come again to greet me.
Waiting for twilight will still be a time that I missed along my life, see the weeds which always dance along with the purple clouds. Do you know? There are too many words I have thought eventually disappeared behind the thick blanket.
Fancy things here, ballooned in my heart that I am missing someone there. That longing unexpectedly becomes much more beautiful than ever, after finally knowing his tracks now. Although the snow did not allow me to see his footprint trail, but the frozen twigs have shown the way.
There, in a place that finally I know, do not let the rain wet you. Stay inside until the storm is over. The cold outside will be so sharp. Just a little longer, I'll see you again, in every sidelines of orange twilight. Through the wings of a birds who migrant with their longing, through reams of warm in the west's edge.

I had just reached my 15th years. Obviously, nothing special on that day. My dad had to go to outside the town and just an usual greetings. I don't know why for me birthday is just another day. Nothing to celebrate, nothing to sing, nothing to wish, and nothing special. It seems like there is no more birthday for me.

The differences is too obvious. Well, in my 13th birthday I got some surprises from my bestiest. They madiene it in one of cafe in my town. They gave a big birthday cake, a gift, and wish. I was so surprised and happy to see how my friends looked so glade.

Then, the 14th was just the same as this year. But, it seems better with a box of brownies from my friends.

I see, in my new school Senior High School I haven't had bestfriend yet. I feel there is no one can go together with me. Yeah, I have good friends but they are sometimes don't care with me, leave me, and don't hear me. They like kidding whether I am not.

Sometimes, I fell wanna get back to my junior high school. But It is impossible to get it back. They will just be a memories.

I don't know, why is it so fast? I don't know why should I be in this May. And I don't know why should this sad May in my life?

I had told this so many times that I am weak and lame. Even I can't erase my tears anymore. I'm too lame to save my heart to be so rigid.

I want, God remove all my feelings in my heart. I want step my foot without any burdens which cling in my shadows. I want to be so sure in my decisions to let you go. But, maybe this desire is too hard for me to get it. Even, when I start trying to forget you, you always come with all your nice, and you make me so mesmerized.

So what is Loving, Loved, and Love actually?

And why do they always come and stay in our life??

I think love is just a thing that is not have any definitions and absolutely unpredictable. Since, Love is about heart, and as far as i know in the debate case there's no discussion about heart esspecially love. Because, no ones could calculate how their love is.

And I think, someone who tries to calculate their loves must be an odd person. Love is not mathematics who could be counted. Officially, in love there's no processing to count how many love that i had given to you. There's no profit's percentage to offer my heart. There's no linear speculations how to count the equation the right side to be equal with the left side. Love is sincere, No counting, No numbers.

Okay, this is such a my heart's floods, and sorry if my english is so much strange as i just learned english...

Okay, about my feeling, i'll always remember about the First Love song by Nika Costa.

I just realized this feeling, somebody knocks my heart and just feeling good [maybe] and lays commonly. He is younger than me, but i think he is so much more mature than me.

Emm, everyone can see, there're a change in me. About my behaviour, my face, and all my ways to stand and breath.

And i believe love is making everyone change eventhough she/he is a rude man.