I've always felt that life is an adventure, and that something great will happen along my journey. Coming to "The Land of Milk and Honey" was the adventure of a lifetime I've been dreaming of. I wanted so much to come here and experience the things that I've seen in the Hollywood movies. I came here full of hopes and dreams. When I passed the interview, happiness filled my heart because I know the dreams that used to occur in my head are about to come true. But as we know it, dreams and realities are two different things.
It struck me so hard to find out that nothing ever come easily in life. Especially to the place that I thought I could easily conquer. I was so wrong, right now running away from the problems is the only solution being formed in my head. I'm becoming so desperate that I'm actually becoming the bad guy in the adventure I started with. Everything is falling out of hand, and the saddest truth is, I don't like the person I'm becoming now.
Betrayal, deceit, cowardice, and ungratefulness are currently ruling my life. Though I know that these things have started ruining the person that I was, unfortunately, they are the only company I could keep. These things I'm saying may seem completely appalling; even so, I still don't understand myself. The cliché saying "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" is echoing in my head, but what I see right now is totally darkness and it seems that the light is nowhere near to my position. I feel like being swallowed by the blackness of the surrounding and all the good things about me are slowly dying, and I could do nothing to make them stay alive. I got no choice but to embrace the new and dark company brought by this place.
Despite of my knowledge of right and wrong, still I keep on making the same mistakes. I keep on hurting my love, and it's like I could never stop on disappointing my family. It makes feel so sad because I really thought that being in my dream country would give me the chance to change for the better. On the contrary, this new home has done nothing but consumed my thoughts and feelings thus forcing me to bring out the dark side of me. I was just so vulnerable. I am alone... At least I feel I am... I want so much to come back home... Because back at home, there is God, there is love, my husband, family and friends...
I thought I was strong... I realized that what I really need is a push, but not at the expense of losing someone... Especially God... I don't want to get lost. I want to find my way back to the Lord's guidance... I don't want to be alone anymore... The reality is, the world is so vast and it is full of different people, and because you're alone you will be enticed by the shallow necessities of mundanity. Now I fully realized that it takes a whole lot of courage and faith to God and oneself to actually resist the earthly temptations.
I hope it's not too late for me to change. I guess making these mistakes makes me a human, at least I know now when to halt and change my direction in order for me to reach my destination. I will not falter, this is not who I am. I am better than this. With God's love and patience in me, I know I could overcome all the obstacles and finally reach my goals...
