ESL Blogs

Hi, my friends! You know every time I read your masterpieces before going to bed, I always see some weird nightmares. This time one of the expressions threw me back to the age of slavery. I don’t mind feeling a slave just for a change. So, here are the expressions that made my fantasy go so far.

1. “My brother tried to eat us out.” Why not if you did something wrong although brothers are usually quite merciful to their sisters. To eat somebody out means to scold, to reprimand, to call down. In fact, the author tried to say that her brother wanted to take her and her family to the restaurant for dinner but it was raining heavily and the roads were flooded. So, the correct sentence is “My brother tried to take us out for dinner.”
2. “I think I passed the date of September.” First, let me ask the author what “the date of September” means. The date is some day. September is a month and I believe I haven’t told you anything new. I know she meant some particular date, September 30, that was the deadline for asking questions in that discussion and the correct sentence is “I think I didn’t meet September 30 deadline.” As to the verb TO PASS, it gives a lot of food to my imagination. I may think whatever I like. I’d like to think the month of September just slipped my mind.
3. “I munched the wafers brought by my hubby.” This sentence is grammatically correct. Americans say “waffles” but it is just AmE. However, I’d like you to know that TO MUNCH means to eat noisily first of all. Well, we all know we should eat noiseless if we want not to eat alone till the end of our days.
4. “A good jobholder.” This noun phrase is correct. It defines a good employee as opposite to a bad employee (unprofessional, lazy, irresponsible). But if we want to define a leader, we should say “a person who holds high post/executive position/top position.” I know, the author meant the director of some company.
5. “Comfortable work pressure.” My dear learners! Any work pressure is stressful, it can’t be comfortable. It may be easy, low,  etc.
6. “I am happy to be shopped.” It is one of my favorite! Sure, you all know when we shop for something we visit stores in order to find some particular stuff. If we go shopping, we go to the store(s) and buy what we need. So, if you use the passive voice (we never do it!) like “I am shopped” my fantasy generates a lot of different ideas. I am a slave who was bought at the slave market, I am a famous store often visited by many nice ladies or… I will refrain from telling more. LOL! As the author told me she had bought some nice wear that day, she should have said, “I am happy to have shopped today. ”I’d like to add I read this great expression right after seeing a terrific ballet “Spartacus”…

So, here is my nightmare.

I woke up but couldn’t open my eyes. My face was swollen and all my body hurt. I tried to move but I turned out to have been put into irons! I heard the chains clanging and felt the pressure of the cuffs on my wrists and ankles. Well, it was not comfortable at all! I tried to recall the previous days but it was hopeless. They seemed to have slipped my mind.  I didn’t remember anything.  The last thing I remembered was my being a boss of the company. I was sitting at the desk reading EC comments in my nice tidy office. So, what had happened to me? Despite holding a high post, I had been a good boss and my subordinates could hardly shackle me and beat me up so badly. I had always tried to relieve the work pressure in the office for them to feel comfortable!

Despite unbearable pain, I managed to open my eyes at last. I found myself in the damp, dark dungeon lighted by the torch. I had some strange clothes on. They reminded me of the Roman Empire, gladiators and centurions. “Well,“ I thought with relief, “I am dreaming! I am sure of living in the 21^st century.” But suddenly I saw three centurions walking toward me rattling the sabre. One of them walking ahead seemed to be a commander. Two others were carrying the plates with some food and a jug. “Wow, it is Italy after all. There may be good wine in the jug!” I thought feeling so thirsty and hungry. When the centurions neared and I looked straight at the senior officer’s face I immediately recognized my cousin brother. “What the hell?” I thought, “He has always been a loser! How come he was promoted to such a rank?” But I asked,

“Buddy, what am I doing here? Where are we? What’s going on?” He smiled maliciously and said,

“What a pleasure to see you crushed and humiliated! At last! I have been waiting for it all my life! I have always envied you, your appearance, your talent, your achievements, everything! I have hated you since our childhood and always wanted to do away with you. But your social status made you out of reach for such a loser like me.”

The soldiers put the plates and the jug before me and I started eating and drinking hurriedly and noisily listening to my cousin with half an ear. He went on without paying attention to what was going on around.

“However, to my great satisfaction and delight, you managed to crush your life yourself. First you wrecked the company you were in charge of by imposing your “humane” rules like a flexible schedule, high salary, casual dress code, friendly relationship. Your director General ate you out but you didn’t stop and wrecked the century-old traditions and culture of the country that had kindly allowed you to live and work there. The whirl of your activities threw that country back to the 1^st century AD. So, here we are, in the age of slavery! As you had destroyed the whole country, you were dismissed from your high post and sold at the slave market. Fortunately, in this century brutal force means more than fine intellect! Thanks for making my career at last! Hahaha! Your rebellious nature helped me become rich and powerful. I bought you at the slave market. Now, you are my slave and I am your master! I haven’t even dreamed about such revenge! Hahaha!”

Suddenly he stopped and harkened. His face changed. It expressed disgust and indignation.

“Stick him on the lances! Now!” he ordered the soldiers. I was still chewing the last bit of meat washing it down with great Italian wine.

“Why?” I exclaimed being about to choke. “What have I done again?”  My cousin gave me his last scornful smile,

“Well, I was not ready to kill you when I found out you dated my girl, I was not ready to kill you when you entered Harvard, I was not ready to kill you when you got your doctorate, I didn’t want to kill you when I bought you at the slave market because it is such a pleasure for me to humiliate and torture you! But now, I will sacrifice my pleasure to watch your miserable state to my pleasure not to hear your munching any longer.” And he ordered his soldiers to execute his order. I felt cold iron and….. woke up in a cold sweat.

“Well, well!” I thought. “I will never read EC comments, my personal correspondence or watch any ballets before going to bed!”

Hahaha!

Here is the link for those who want to see Spartacus ballet performed by the Bolshoy Theater dancers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzJuC4Gj9ME