ESL Blogs

One time I was travelling from Milan to Bologna Italy on a train. I remember I couldn’t take one of those new high-speed non-stop commuter trains because I had to stop in a small town called Parma. (Yes, that is where the cheese comes from.) So I took a regional train that stops at various towns along the way. These trains are dirty, slow and poorly equipped.

From Milan to Bologna, you cross the Po Valley and the Padana Plain, which is all flat farm land. To the right of the train is the Apennine mountain range that runs south east, down to the Adriatic coast near Rimini. If you were going to Florence or Rome, you would intersect and cross the Apennine Mountains at Bologna. Anyway, I got on the train, found a compartment, sat down and we left.

In the compartment with me, there was an old farmer who was drunk. He was holding a half empty bottle of grappa and he smelled very badly. There was also a young woman, holding a baby; a small, ugly baby. I don’t remember any of my friends’ babies looking that bad, but this was definitely an ugly baby. Of course, I didn’t say anything to the woman. It’s none of my business if she has an ugly baby.

So I just buried my nose in my Italian sports newspaper and sat quietly. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same thing about the drunk. After a couple of stops, he started making rude comments about the baby. I understand Italian and know what he said. He was saying things about how ugly the baby was and even asked her where she had found it. The woman was offended. She started to scream at the guy and he seemed to enjoy it. So he kept on provoking her. (sound familiar?) She screamed even more, the baby started crying and a fight started.

At that point we were pulling into a station and the train stopped. Just then, the woman reached up and pulled the alarm cable down! After some time stuck in the station, an old conductor came running in. “What’s going on here? What’s going on here?” So the woman started screaming at him with the whole story. The drunk continued to drink, burp, laugh and have a good old time. And I kept well hidden behind my paper! Let the conductor deal with it.

The conductor was an older gentleman, just a couple of years from retirement I would say. I’m sure he’s seen situations like this before and I must say, he handled it very well. He was kind, calm and very diplomatic. He didn’t say a word to the old drunken farmer. He was just trying to quiet the woman down and made a fine speech of it. He said something to the effect of : “Madam, we at the railroad don’t want these kinds of problems between the passengers. We want everyone to have a safe, quiet trip. Now if you like, I’ll be happy to find you another seat where you can sit more comfortably and stay away from this man.” (Nice, huh?) He also said: “As you know, this is only a regional train and we have no dining car here. But there is someone pushing a breakfast cart around. As a compliment from the railroad, May I offer you something to eat and drink for free? And maybe, just maybe we can even find a banana for your monkey.”