ESL Blogs

" time is too slow for those who wait, 

too swift for those who fear,

 too long for those who grieve, 

too short for those who rejoice, 

    but for those who love time is eternity"

"don't be like that,OK.....I don't want u to go or leave me" he whispered that to me, when I started to be jumpy on something.

"I like you, and you know that i can never love anyone I don't know why"  even I never asked him to feel that what so called love, we even agreed that no such thing called love ...

But he kept knocking at my door many times, I reluctantly open it again and again for him but I kept doing it the same numbers as he knocked.

He even whispered " I will never try to hurt u, or abandon u again...." as I lean my body against the wall where he lays his hands on....listen to him saying those words with his lowest tone.  "Me love you long time" that was the first "LOVE" word  he ever wrote me.

My lips carve a smile, while hearing that "Me love you long time" was that even a right sentence, I laugh inside me.. thinking how sweet that was.

He keep asking me to take him as part of my life, I feel something warm rolling down...

If only I gave him the chance to read his poem for me..

" I wrote u poem, even I know u wouldn't care" he was so right......I didn't even check on it, not even a glance....

I slammed  the door right before his eyes, "he hurt me!!" but the other me questioned me about what kind of action he did? and I was stood there wondering....

"He deleted me from his life!!!" and again my 'me" ask how would u know that?? how he deleted u??

but I DON'T CARE I said to my self and my other other me.

as for them, they just shrugged their shoulder indicating 'whatever' to me.

I make my leave in a flash!

But then..............few days later, I feel this feeling attacking me so hard, unbearable, his words ring around my head, this hollow inside me....its like something that eating me inside.

" I wanna be with you, spend my life with u, we re gonna have lots of children, have a farm, raising the cattle..." 

I asked him u know how to deal with cattle? and he answered stupidly " Nope" and so the ice broke, we both burst in laughter and he tickles me while he pulled me closer and sit on that bench that he painted last year.

I was waking up from my slumber, with tears...I cant hardly control my breath...I was suffocate with the dream.

sitting on my bed with my hands holding my both knees, i was crying like hell......I feel so hurt inside me, I cut so deep.

If only that day never existed, if only that November 24th wasn't there...

If only I let him in for the last time, If only I read his last poem, this wouldn't happened...

he would never come after me with all his effort just to handed me this tiny ring with diamond he promised me.

He wouldn't have to drive his damn truck with that speed just to convince me that he wants me to be his lovely wedded wife.

If only I let him talk to me, and hug me for the last time...

If only I open the envelope he slipped under the door after I heard his foot step away...

If only I stop being this jumpy....and take everything easily...

there will always be Nov 25th, 26th,27th.....with him...

This envelope...... showing pics of our dream, the life we planned, list of names of our children, the gown that I dreamt for the wedding, his suit, all of it...

he was coming to explain about his mistake for being so stupid believe on his friend who set him up, he was planning to meet me to handed this envelope, but he was called by his friend to help him saying that he was having an accident and asked him to rescued his friend but ended drunk and slept with a whore.

He was planning to pick me up to take this tiny ring he promised me.............

I hate me....for not letting him in

I hate me for opening the envelope without him, for making this ends without his permission.

I hate him for speeding just to surrender this little box with purple ribbon on it ,the way I liked it.

I hate him for being so true on me, I believed him....

I hate this November 24th....I hate the whole November for taking him away, I even hate the months ahead me...

I hate the envelope.......I hate that tiny box.......I hate all kind of diamond rings...............I hate all poems

I just want him back....my pillow all wet, they just sitting there next to me......crying.....nothing they can do about it.

He was woke up the next morning, knowing he was sleeping next to the unknown girl....panicked...and rush to me in order to explain, but its too late......I had all the pictures in my hands, I was just looking at his eyes sending all my pain through our sight.....his mouth was sealed, tears falling down.....

I slammed the door, he was whispering so softly begging me to open for the last time, and thats really for the last time....he slipped the envelope, off he went.

he ran to that store....taking what he had ordered.....he rushed the store keeper telling him that " I'm gonna propose her today, I will take her hand to " then he jumped back to his truck....

he was so happy to surrender this tiny box to me, he was playing the box along the way....he was so excited, knowing that we will finally be together.....together for the rest of our life......but what I have done.

He knows that I will always forgive him, because what we have is not just an ordinary love.

The box....slipped from his hands, and he was trying to get that under the wheel.....he reached that box at the same time there's a big truck coming to his surprised.

He has the tiny box inside his palm, but he lost his life.....

I don't need that tiny box, I don't need the envelope, I just want him.........I want him..

Its been 7 months 3 weeks 17 days 142 hours 2135 minutes 43527 seconds since he was gone.

But I still suffer the same dream, that's so hurt...knowing that my love has killed him.

I would never loved again, I would never loved again, never.....

He will be my one and only...! as I lay beside him, giving him the  last kiss, our last hugs, he looks so gorgeous on his suit as he always be.

I kisses him all over his face, caresses his wavy brunette hair, he looks so damn gorgeous...my groom..

His stubble, I bet he hasn't shaved by that time happening...I saw a trace of blood spotted on his pointed nose.

I stick my cheek against his......cold, I want him to stay.....

I cant stop my tears from falling...they told me to be strong at the same time iI heard them crying.....

He is the love, the one that I love.........cant you guys see that??

"I want him back...i want him to come back....................." I screamed to the top of my lung in my silence.

He went away, on that November 24th.....

I'm here holding the envelope and the tiny box.