what a fool I am. A married guy ....... chatting ......... flirting sometimes .......... always trying to be a gentleman ......... never telling any secrets others shared to me .............. considerring myself strong enough to overcome little affairs as it are cyber affairs only. That was what made me feel a big routine in chatting.
Yes, there are many nice chatter. Males and females. All of them I like. Particularly the female chatters -sorry, I can´t help myself-. Yes I like the female chatters the most. What wonderful creatures are between them. They can be soft and naughty. Open minded but mysterious creatures. Some love to fight others love nice chats. But most of them come across like miracles.
Especially that girl from quite another part of the world. We talked in the lobby,we talked in the private chatroom. We fooled around and spoke about some serious daily issues. And then fooled around again. I liked her a lot and she liked me. I felt a warmth in my heart talking with her. And she must have felt the same. It was as if we were related souls. Hm... two parts of a soul that belonged to another. Though I lacked the bravery to tell her about my feelings towards her. But my good luck, she tossed away her shyness and avowed me her sympathy. Oh my god, what happy I was and lucky I am.
We shared our skype and whatsapp accounts. We shared pictures. My god, what beauty she is. I somewhat felt like the beast according to the movie: the beauty and the beast. I felt I was the beast. I am much older than her but she accepted me as I am. This is not an imaginary tale. This is true. We held video talks on skype. Seeing her on the screen I always felt a shame. I thought it was not fair by me. An old bloke that attracted a young beautiful woman. We talked whenever we had a chance. Either by day when I was far from home or by night when -ooops my- wife was sleeping. I am not going to specify our talks. The talks will remain our secret -for ever-.
Well, to cut a long story short, the day when I could not bear any longer that she was not near me I needed to make a dicision. Oh my god, I teared my heart out. I cried loudly -albeit when I was alone only and of course-. But I had to skip this love. Yes, I feel it is love. Oh baby, what have I done? You wrote it had hurt you and I feel guilty. You wrote you will not let it break you. Though I feel the wound in your soul. It is said that time heals all wounds. For you and for me I wish it was true. Right now, the space you filled in my heart is empty and provides me with outrageous pains. I often look my skype account up and see no more joy and togetherness.
But what could a fool like me expect?
Comments
hello Elisa, you hit the nail on its head regarding the routine of a long term marriage. Some fresh ideas and emotions are pretty welcome after a while. Though a little boredom might have came up there is something that chains us to the old relation. One starts to calculate fortunes against disadvantage. You brought up some things to think through. Thanks for your comment.
Hello, Zivi. After reading your regrettable blog story, I came to realize that you have intriguingly and uncommonly experienced a compulsive relationship that must address the deep emotional wounds literally known as love addiction where you are unable to set appropriate boundaries to your relationship and you may also feel desperate and annoyed whenever you are away from your virtual partner. Well, I have had the same experience once, it was 6 years ago as far as I could remember but it was in reality I mean not virtually. I used to be in a relationship with a girl that I loved the most, I have that type of love addiction which started to build up and so I have experienced a desperate need and emotional despair, it is drastically uncontrollable, you have that feeling of jealousy, indifference of your entourage and missing out important things in life like your families and studies... all that comes to your mind is your partner and the broke up unexpectedly happened you will find yourself on a loner with emotional instability and you will feel that someone is missing, it is almost like drug addiction; once you get in, there is no way out. All you need is time, Zivi.
well, well :) I remember when I once asked for your ID you told me about one awful story that happened in your past :) But as I see you couldn't resist and broke your rule. Everything that happens in your life is programmed by someone and it will happen no matter what. The only question you should ask yourself - what did I learn from this situation?
If I were you, I'd answer myself - I can live, I can feel, I can love and I can be interesting for others. If I can be with this person, i will find my beloved one day. It's like looking for a useful device in a big wardrobe. Take a torch and you'll find it :)
Cheer up, my friend. Life is full of things that always shake us like milk in the bottle. It is said here that if you got lemons - don't give up, make a lemonade ;)
Hi Zivi,
I'm sorry to say, but this is actually a heart ailment. This could be serious if it doesn't get a good treatment. ops... :)) I mean....one should be wise in this case.
In my opinion, the most precious thing is something/people around us. Let the far one be in the heart without bugging our real life. I hope I'm not like an 120 years old woman to say this... :D
Stay cool! 8)
The similar in a lot of marriages. For such a time in marriage, you will feel a little loneliness, a little unfeeling in love, a little burden of family life, etc. And you would like someone just to help you escape all that bad feelings, find again the interest in life & love; someone just share with you & make you feel better, some simple things that you cannot tell & do with your spouse.
But the badness in your case that you didn't tell the woman that you are married & let the feelings develop into love.
Everything comes into normal now is good. Just keep everthing as a secret for you, your wife & your surroundings. The woman will find a good man soon & forget about the hurt. You will find what is important to your family now & forget soon about the love with her. Let the case just goods memories when you look back your life. Just hope for everyone who passed by your life has good things in life, you will feel better.
Hello Frank, things happen while you ocassionally don´t have the strength to avoid them. My experience tell me that you can´t control emotions always and sometimes they lead us to doing things we know they are not good. There are so many samples in the world showing that emotions too often win over minds.
I don´t beg your pardon. Writing my thoughts down here is just a way to cope with my emotions and read others meanings.
Thanks for your comment.
hello English learner, thanks for your sympathy. But an affair needs always two people to lead it. Just to clarify: I did not press-gag her. Though I think she derserved a lover tghat fits her better then me. that´s why I decided the way I did.
Hey Zivi, I am sorry to hear this. But you made the right decision. Let that beautiful woman live her life happily. Don't trap her with your love.
Luci,thanks for your comment.
I guess you hit the nail on its head. Just.............sometimes it is better to enjoy and keep silence about things that probably better are kept in the locked box.
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