ESL Blogs

Sometimes when I am completly free I sit(or sat) in my room quietly and a suddenly hurricans of thoughts comes into my mind and told me that i am pathetic, stink and a complete failure despite of having everything in my life...I am studying in No-1 Medical college of my country peoples dreams to be the part of it.There are about 10,000 applicants and just about 228 students are selected.

Then why is this ??? Its all about my fault But i started blaming every one instead of myself.

When I was a kid i was going with my Mumm to meet our grandmother and on the street I picked up an Apple from shop CART (in our local
language we called it Thele waala ) and that shop keeper didn't know and so my mummm(neither my mummm), we moved few meters and my mumm noticed that
Apple in my hand and she asked me about it and i told him that i picked it on the way and she got very angry and on the very next instant we returned
to home and she beated me very hard and i was crying and asking for forgiveness and when she calmed down she sent my dad to that shopkeeper to tell him all about and gave him money. I even didn't know that it was an act of stealing i couldn't recall my age even....
And that was first time when my heart was painted with fearness and life goee on and on every little mistakes i made i've been puinshed and I started avoiding the peoples no interaction with jerky peoples and ends up into a coward person.
sometimes i blamed them but i know they did all for my betterment and if it was like that none of my brother would be confident but they are all very confident and happy :)
And when i was in a high school i didn't make many friends i would not like to talk with peoples but i gave them a good response and helped them if anyone comes to me and
i wouldn't go for hangout inspite of request from friends the few i had.
And because my intentions were very
clear i knew that i had to workhard to achieve my goal and to become a DOCTOR.And my life was magnificient at that time because i  was the focus of attention from all of my teachers(from Bio to chem to physics) and i often went to
them after the class and I discussed with them Biology , Chemistry and Physics matter they would help me...And I had a very busy schedule didn't have a time for that sort of thinking :)
And after passing my high school I gave the test for medical college(UNI) and i know that i'll pass but still there was a weight untill merit list appeared.
And when the merit list appeared I saw my name and that was the happiest moment for my entire family and at that time i decided now i'll try to change my life there are many other things beyond studying so i went to peoples and tried to make friend but the response i got back is very annoying and they behaved as i need something from them. Now the only thing i lack in my life is
confidence to speak in front of peoples and to handle the jerky peoples and to manage the thugs.
Few days back i went to my uncle, he is a a brilliant Diagnostic expert ( Doctor).He told me you shouldn't be innocent or otherwise u can't survive in your practical life.
You need to do something very quickly, don't bother who is in front of you whether a son of journal or a president just be bold enough to face anyone and don't cheat
anyone but don't allow anyone to cheat you or disturb you.And then he went one step further and said try to be a jerk.It was a kind of threat. I sad i can't annoy peoples
I can't make fun of them and i don't want to hurt anyone.
He sad your thinking must be hyperfunctional and then you might ends up being a normal one but if your thinking is hypofunctional
you can't be sharp and brave and every one will make you fool easily.
He said you are the best and you need to conviced yourself :) :) :) not the world .
He said if you are not devil atleast you shuould have a devilish mind :P :D :) because the world is not for softer and for innocent peoples
or you'll devastate your life.
I read in pschycology you need three things to be happy in your life
1- to have someone to love.
2- to have something to do.
3-and to have something to hope for...
So there is a hope that One day i'll be brave and bold and I'll be talking and giving a lecture infront of thousands of people
about my favourite subject NEUROSURGERY :D :) :D
currently i am busy in learning English Beacuse i've just completed my third professional and i am on holidays for about one
month :) :D :)

i know i've made many mistakes so please please correct me :)
Thankyou guys i love you all...
Somehow i managed to encourage myself to write all these because i don't know anyone here :) :D :)